Knocked down.

I can't even begin to explain how great life has been lately. I quit my full time graphic design job about two months ago. I am now pursuing my passion of being a self employed photographer. The finances are a bit more stressful but not nearly as bad as I expected. I am happy. So very, very happy. So yesterday when this funk grew over me, I didn't know how to handle it. Why so low when life is so very good right now? I am not sure I know the answer still. I do know that I am still slowly trying to pull myself back up after feeling like life knocked me off my feet yesterday.
My list is growing. People are waiting for their photos. I still need "me" time. I have a big trade show next week that I haven't prepared for. I still need "me" time. I have clients to email back about their photo shoots. I still need "me" time. I guess that despite following my heart and going after my dream job, life can still get me down from time to time. I will be ok. Life will go back to normal soon. I suppose right now all I can do is acknowledge that I am down and let myself stay there until I am ready.

Rambling

I am having one of those nights. I am finally loving my life and living it the way I want to but today I am knocked down some. Today for some reason I still feel empty and hollow. Alone. Very alone. Sitting in the livingroom with my roommate and best friend, all I want to do is cuddle but know that is out of his comfort zone and something we can't do anymore. I have reached out to the other men in my life and am still waiting for any kind of response from all of them. When will I find someone true? Now that I am doing what I want with my life...when will I start to focus on myself? I want to feel loved both self love and the love of a man.

Living my life!

I finally did it.  I am taking more chances, chasing my dreams, reaching for the stars! I am quitting my day job to pursue my passion in photography! Can I get a woot woot!!! Now is the chance to see what I am made of. I can't even believe that in two weeks I will be living life MY way. Ahhhhh.....come on October 4!

If I Had My Life To Live Over

I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.

I'd relax, I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.
I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles,
but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.
You see, I'm one of those people who live
sensibly and sanely hour after hour,
day after day.
Oh, I've had my moments,
And if I had it to do over again,
I'd have more of them.
In fact, I'd try to have nothing else.
Just moments, one after another,
instead of living so many years ahead of each day.
I've been one of those people who never goes anywhere
without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat
and a parachute.
If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.
If I had my life to live over,
I would start barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.

Shattered

It's a funny thing...the heart. Just when you think you can't be any happier, turns out you can't be any more heartbroken. The happier you are the harder you fall. I love him. I am so very happy with him. He is currently living with me and sleeping on my couch. He still loves her. He just told me. There isn't anything between us other than a tight friendship but I can't help but hope that was going to change at some point. Hearing that he has never been happier with anyone else, that breaks my heart. Shatters my soul.

If I could be with you, you know I would. Instead I will cry for you. Cry with you. Love you with everything I know and am. Hold you and let go when I know I need to. If I could be with you, you know I would.

Brief Life Update

It's been a while since I posted last. I have had a lot of fun things happen lately. The most recent is my trip to Antigua for a wedding. It was an absolute blast and most certainly the trip of a lifetime.
However, now that the trip is over I find myself at home again and wondering what I am doing with my life. Why does that always happen?

Happier than mashed potatoes.

I am in love with my best friend. My best friend is the man I love. I love the man I used to date and am now best friends with. However you word it, I love him.

I suppose I have since I first said those words to him the night we broke up. He broke up with me and we both said we loved each other. As friends. Now about four years later I find that the love has only multiplied ten fold. The love that I once would have referred to as desperate and needy has been replaced with confidant and easy. It's so easy for me to tell the world how much I love this man. Also, somewhat easy for me to tell him and yet our situation does not change. Here we are, best friends. Loving each other with so much love that nothing else compares but still not together. Still talking of his live in girlfriend or my slew of man problems. Still kissing each other on the forehead or cheek and saying "I love you" at least twice each time we see each other. Still making each other ridiculously happy. Still running to each other when times are rough. Still making him happier than mashed potatoes.

Perhaps his girlfriend makes him happier than apple pie. That's pretty tough to beat.

And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now"
-- excerpt from "Not Afraid" by Eminem