Rejected

I completely put myself out there tonight. After nearly 8 months of kinda dating I made my move. We have never been in a location where we have been alone and both of us are really uncomfortable with PDA so tonight I decided to go home after we had supper together and take a shower, get dolled up and go to his work place to surprise him and give him a kiss. Our first kiss.
I got there and instead of it being a great and magical moment he was mad. Or as he put it "slightly irritated". I told him why i was there and that I was just going to kiss him and leave again. I asked him if I could give him a kiss as I wrapped my arms around him and he said no. No. My heart sank....
I have never put myself out there like that for anyone before. I told myself while driving there that you miss 100% of the chances you don't take so I was prepared to be ok with any outcome. I was just hoping the outcome would have been the opposite of what it really was.
It's time to cut this connection.

There are those weekends where I just want to crawl into a ball and hide away for two days. Perhaps even do a bit of crying.

This is one of those weekends.

Just when I think we are at a good spot we fight again. It's always about relationships (or lack there of) and it always pushes our relationship back about ten steps. For seven months now we have been doing this dance of dating but not really dating. We have both said stuff we or at least I regret. I have pulled my hair out trying to tell him how I feel and getting nothing but negative responses in return. Yet when I tried to tell him last night that I just needed to stop talking he kept me on the line and asked where we go from here or what is going to happen. I had no answers, I just needed to hang up because I was crying.

The truth is that life’s hard for dreamers when all we do is dream. Life’s bigger for dreamers. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. Frustration is greater because our dreams are bigger and we have to be so much more invested in them to make them come true. It’s a wilder ride, but that’s okay because we couldn’t settle to be less.

The way I define happiness is being the creator of your experience, choosing to take pleasure in what you have, right now, regardless of the circumstances, while being the best you that you can be.

Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.

My thoughts upon running into Chad at the mall today

There are some people I want to run into and others who I hope to never accidentally see again. You fall somewhere in the middle so I am both happy and a little sad right now.