Find someone who thinks you are impossible to be with, but stays anyway.

it means love isn't always perfect. it isn't always just as you imagined it being growing up as a young child. That sometimes your soulmate is the person that pushes you, calls you on your shit and perhaps every once in a while breaks your heart for a short time. But that same person who drives you so fucking mad crazy one second could also be the person who you fell mad crazy in love with. The goal is to find that one person who may call you on your shit but holds your hand as you work through it. Someone you can argue with but they never let those arguements make you question their love for you. It means it will never ever be perfect. Never be the fairytale you drempt of as a child because fairytales don't have all the stressors of every day life. When you find that person that can still love you at your worst...that's the one to hold on to.

Another Day

I went to the bar to see the cute boy after my last post. We won't work out, it's just not meant to be. He is a regular pot smoker and I am against drugs of any kind. Also, shortly thereafter he met a good friend of mine and fell for her. Nevermind that she is married with two kids. She is hoping to get a divorce soon but it's no where in the near future as they haven't even started that process yet.

Then there is the boy who I have been "seeing" for almost a year now. THings are going no where and I often wonder if I would even want them to if it was an option. He has this ability to be a complete ass and I don't want someone like that. So why do we keep seeing each other? I suppose we are just both lonely and need someone to hang out with from time to time.

I just wish I knew where this life was taking me. I constantly feel like I am just letting it lead me someplace I don't really want to go because it's familiar and comfortable. I keep telling myself someday....someday. Well, that someday might never be here. I am 32 years old and need to remember that my someday needs to be now.

Today has been a good day but now that it's dark outside and I don't want to sit and work all night...I am lonely. Just wishing I had someone to cuddle up to and watch a movie. Maybe someday....

Lame or responsible?

Here I am sitting at Barnes and Noble. It's 9:15pm on a Saturday. I came here because I told myself I had to sit and work because I have so much to do. I've been here almost two hours now and have yet to accomplish anything other than getting caught up on the latest edition of Elle Magazine and surfing the web. When weighing the options to go to the bar and see my current crush or coming to Barnes and Noble...I chose the later.

Sometimes I wonder what I am doing with myself. I am 32 years old and I still feel like I am waiting for my life to begin. And at the same time I kind of feel like I am purposely putting my life on hold.....why am I not at the bar right now chatting with the cute boy?........

I was looking through other blogs tonight and found one that was all about a young woman and her travel adventures. made me wish I was out exploring and experiencing new things rather than working my butt off at a job I hate with people I despise.

Rejected

I completely put myself out there tonight. After nearly 8 months of kinda dating I made my move. We have never been in a location where we have been alone and both of us are really uncomfortable with PDA so tonight I decided to go home after we had supper together and take a shower, get dolled up and go to his work place to surprise him and give him a kiss. Our first kiss.
I got there and instead of it being a great and magical moment he was mad. Or as he put it "slightly irritated". I told him why i was there and that I was just going to kiss him and leave again. I asked him if I could give him a kiss as I wrapped my arms around him and he said no. No. My heart sank....
I have never put myself out there like that for anyone before. I told myself while driving there that you miss 100% of the chances you don't take so I was prepared to be ok with any outcome. I was just hoping the outcome would have been the opposite of what it really was.
It's time to cut this connection.

There are those weekends where I just want to crawl into a ball and hide away for two days. Perhaps even do a bit of crying.

This is one of those weekends.

Just when I think we are at a good spot we fight again. It's always about relationships (or lack there of) and it always pushes our relationship back about ten steps. For seven months now we have been doing this dance of dating but not really dating. We have both said stuff we or at least I regret. I have pulled my hair out trying to tell him how I feel and getting nothing but negative responses in return. Yet when I tried to tell him last night that I just needed to stop talking he kept me on the line and asked where we go from here or what is going to happen. I had no answers, I just needed to hang up because I was crying.

The truth is that life’s hard for dreamers when all we do is dream. Life’s bigger for dreamers. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. Frustration is greater because our dreams are bigger and we have to be so much more invested in them to make them come true. It’s a wilder ride, but that’s okay because we couldn’t settle to be less.

The way I define happiness is being the creator of your experience, choosing to take pleasure in what you have, right now, regardless of the circumstances, while being the best you that you can be.

Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it’s a big part, and sometimes it isn’t, but either way, it’s a part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game. Pain does two things: It teaches you, tells you that you’re alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed. It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger. Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life is going to involve it in one degree or another.

My thoughts upon running into Chad at the mall today

There are some people I want to run into and others who I hope to never accidentally see again. You fall somewhere in the middle so I am both happy and a little sad right now.

“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.”
— Douglas Coupland

Life is full of maybe's.

I can't decide whose fault it is really. Maybe it's mine for being overly lonely and therefore too needy. Or maybe it's his for stringing me along. I often wonder what his true intentions are with me but more often than not I try to push aside the fact that I think he is using me. There are days when i am sure of it actually.
So why then do I still hold out hope that him and I will work out? Why do I let the way he talks to me and treats me get me SO SO very down? And why, after all he has said to me am I still talking to him? I don't know. Maybe I see something in him. Maybe I see that he is just as scared as me, if not more so of being hurt. Or maybe I really just don't want to be alone and he is the closest thing i have to changing that.

“Did you ever walk through a room that’s packed with people, and feel so lonely you can hardly take the next step?”
— Jodi Picoult (Second Glance)

I guess I could blame it on being that time of the month but it seems like this feeling creeps up on me just way too often. I am so desperately lonely, depressed and sad I want to hide away for a week and hope when I step outside again that my life is completely different.

Maybe I should call in sick for work tomorrow....

Stupid day of birth

Two days before my birthday and I don't want it to come. I hate birthdays because they just mean I am getting one year older and still am not a wife or mom. Thirty two years old and still failing at life. :(

“There comes a point when you just love someone. Not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other. It just mean you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it.”
— Laurell K. Hamilton

Mr Printer Dude

I met this guy about six months ago or more. We hit it off and have had some wonderful dates. Then he turned on me and was just kind of a jerk. I ignored him for a while, we started talking again, then we argued, started talking again and the pattern continues. There is something about him though. Something different and special, I think. The thing is, we still have not kissed. Not even a peck. Not even once. There are times when I feel like I have to beg to see him and more often than not he decides he doesn't want to see me. Not because he is busy or has something else going on but because he just doesn't feel like it. If he doesn't feel like it now....how is life going to be after 5 years with him? I want someone who can't wait to be able to see me and jumps at each opportunity to spend time with me. This guy doesn't do that. At all.

So really, what am I doing?

My 32nd birthday is creeping up on me and I don't like it. When did I get this old? On one hand 32 does not seem that old at all and then on the other hand 32 seems way too close to 40.
Will I be saying "I just want more out of my life" 8 years from now still? Because I do and I want it now. But how? What?
I want so so so very badly to have a family, to fall madly in love and be loved. To be a mom. The. Greatest. Mom.

I want that. All of it.

Sometimes we forget what we got. Who they are or who we are not.

Surrounded by couples. They are everywhere. Right in front of me I see a couple who I can't help but wonder how they found each other. She is about my same size but shorter. He is an average sized man and fairly attractive with good style. Where did they meet, how did they meet? Then on the complete opposite is the girl sitting next to me who is obviously anorexic or bulimic, she sits there writing away in her journal, she looks so alone and sad. Then, before I have a chance to feel too bad for her or relate to her lost/empty look...her boyfriend slips in next to her and kisses her as he says hello.
The married couple in front of me enjoying a drink with their teenage son, the old and graying couple sitting up a few tables who are reading magazines and sipping coffee while looking completely comfortable with each other.....
Where do I fit? I sit here in the dark corner just watching everyone, wishing I had one of their lives rather than my own. How completely foolish to wish for their lives without really knowing what their lives are like. Is being in a relationship really that important to me that I actually wish I was someone else? If they knew what I had accomplished in my short life so far maybe they would wish they were me.

The problem with fairy tales is that they set a girl up for disappointment. In real life, the Prince goes off with the wrong Princess. Or the spell wears off and two lovers realize they’re better off as… well, whatever they are.