an imperfect life

The past has gotten ahold of me today and it won't let me go.
We all at some point in our lives fall in love. We fall hard and foolishly and don't really think about it ever failing us. We fall in love several times and at several different levels. The first time I fell in love it was impossible for me to see until years later that it wasn't really love at all but rather it was my first taste of lust and pure adrenaline rushing through me from being lusted after. It seems like forever ago now but even so i can think back on it and still somewhat feel the intense emotions I went through then. Passion. Lust. Joy. Heartbreak. Depression. Hurt. Anger. It took almost 5 years to get over that one. Five messed up, roller coaster of a ride years.

There were several other men that made a brief appearance after that and never really left any sort of mark. 

Until JMB. I remember falling for him before I even met him. He had this way with words and writing that had me floating on air. When we finally met he wasn't at all what I was expecting. I expected some neatly trimmed, farmboy type I guess. Instead I meet someone with black hair, a big chain hanging from his back pocket, a crooked tooth and black leather boots. I was surprised but intrigued. He was tough looking but the gentlest man I had have ever met. I experienced a whole different world with him...poetry, theater, karaoke, audio books.....love. Yep, the real kind. Things happened and we didn't stay together but we remain friends to this day. I can't say it's always easy but I can say that I don't know what I would do without him in my life at all.

Quote me on it.

If you love something, set it free if it comes back, it was meant to be. If it continues to fly, let it soar, have faith that God has something better in store.

Sometimes I wish I had never met you because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.

She loves him more then he would ever know, he love's her more than he would ever show.

I used to think that if I loved you enough you would realize it and love me back, but I can only love so much for so long.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever.

Why do I always get this way every May? Why do I always overthink where I am at in life and when I always decide I hate where I am at in life...why don't I change it?

A little thing called sadness.

There I go, feeling like an ass again. He tries so hard to talk through things when something is on my mind but I can't talk, not really. I can't speak unless I am being completely honest and yet being completely honest in this situation won't do anything but make both of us upset.
I have dated a few men before him and a few after and despite his short temper, stubbornness in getting a stable job and the fact that he is a new dad....I just can't fill up that hole in my heart that's there when he isn't. As he pointed out, we haven't been together or hung out for two years now. Two years?! I swear it was just last month. I feel like an ass for being jealous of his situation after hearing how bad his situation really is. I want nothing but to be a mom someday and in some sick way wish that I was the one he knocked up and not her. Partially just because of how badly I want to be a mom and partially because I know he would be a great dad and I can't stand how little involvement his babies mom let's him have. I want to say I would never be that way but then again one never knows unless they are in the situation. My older sister is a single mom so I somewhat understand why she is doing things the way she is. A mom has to protect her baby no matter how hard it is.
I just don't know how to love him the way he wants me to and it bothers me so very much. I don't know how to say the things he wants me to say to make him feel better. Infact, I seem to be saying everything I can to make him feel worse. That will never be my intent but it keeps being the outcome of each of our conversations.
Dear God-please speak to my heart. Tell me how I am supposed to handle this. Tell me how I am supposed to love him.