I hate this hating him. I hate being jealous for no reason at all. I hate that I am just a number among a million other women. I hate that I love him dearly and I hate that I feel lucky to have him in my life. I hate him.

Life is funny that way.

I doubt myself even as people are telling me how talented I am.

I can be fine one second and completely upset the next.

It still hurts sometimes and I thought I was over him. Over it. I'm not.

Sometimes I worry that I am too good at shutting off my feelings.

Other times I can't seem to shut off my feelings no matter how much I convince myself I don't care.

I loved him then and I love him now. It still makes no sense to me.

I need a break from my ordinary life, a chance to feel really alive.

I will never be the girl that takes chances and maybe that doom's me to a life of settling. That bothers me.

I worry about never being a mom but worry about my freedom ending once I am one.

Looking at photos of him with his son stirs up an old aching in my soul so strong I almost choose to ignore the fact that he is a dad. But I am so very happy he is experiencing fatherhood.

It hurts. A lot.

I have no clue where I want to be one year from now.

I worry about screwing up all the time but I know that half of the stuff I worry about isn't worth my time and energy.

I don't know how to say no.

Did I mention it hurts. A lot?

Today.

I woke up realizing fully how lonely my life can be at times. No one to wake up next to, no one to kiss goodbye as I leave for work.

I also realize how lucky and blessed I have been. I may not have found my soulmate yet but I have made a name for myself in my community.

A person has to start someplace.

Sometimes the loneliness slowly creeps in and other times, like today, it slaps me across the face.

When words escape me.

4am. Really?!

Last night I ended up spending all night out with a dear friend at the bar. I had wanted to only go and have 1 or 2 drinks but she suckered me into staying out until 4:30am. She has broken up with her boyfriend earlier this week and just didn't want to be alone. How could I say no?
The night included several creepers hitting on us, an old guy who thought I was so cool because I was a photographer, a really drunk guy trying to take his pants down and show us his dick only to later keep grabbing our boobs, a 4 block walk to some random guys apartment, a male strip tease at 4am and a taxi ride home again just before 5am.
I have to say I am pretty unimpressed with the entire experience but none the less, I am glad I was able to be there for my friend. She had fun.