GIve me something to believe in.

So, my date with Mr. M went really well yesterday. I went over to his place and he played some of his songs for me while singing to them. It was awesome. We then started to watch a movie and got 10 minutes into it before we decided it was horrible...then Matt made his move. Before long we were all over each other. It was nice but I was still so hesitant to do anything because I didn't want to start a relationship that was all about sex or getting some this time. So...we did some heavy making out but I stopped it before it went to far.

Then it happened...as soon as he knew he wasn't getting any farther he was basically done with me that night.

So tonight I hop online and he is on. He IM's me "hey sugar tits". Ok, I go with it. We talk some and he wants to know when we can have another "titty sucking fest" as he calls it. I tell him he should come over and watch a movie tomorrow night as long as we actually watch the movie this time. He said he would have to get back to me.

So whatever happened to the man who said he wanted to be friends first and get to know me because I was so "amazing"?

What just happened?

A few weeks ago I decided to join a new dating site. I guess it was just time to start looking again. A few days ago a man from this site emailed me. Over the course of just two emails we decided we were really hitting it off and wanted to chat via IM. Last night Mr. D and I talked from 10pm to 4am and today we decided to take the day off and spend a jammies day together watching movies. seriously...what just happened?

It's a little out of control how much we have in common and how a like we are right now. I hope that we also find each other physically attractive in person because right now it's a bit mind boggling how much I like the dude. Oh...did I mention he is trained in classical music and can sing and play the piano and guitar like no one's business? Yep, sexy.

Hopefully I will have a good day to report after our jammies day today. Awesome first date huh :)

bleh.

I saw some photos of myself from the bar this weekend and could hardly bear to look at them. Why is the person that I am never the same person I THINK i am? That person in the photos was really fat, had crooked teeth and bad hair...not to mention a big forehead.

It's weekends like this that shouldn't be spent alone at home thinking about things. Weekends like this make me feel like I shouldn't even try to find someone to spend my life with because I am not good enough.

Scared.

It's not the falling into love that I am afraid of, it's the falling out of it that stops me in my tracks.
And when I hear people like my cousin talk about her marriage, part of me thinks that I am the lucky one for not being married yet....just part of me.
She is only 2 days older than me and has been married for almost 7 years now. Hearing her talk about her husband, you would swear they were already divorced. I am sure they will be someday. We got onto the subject of him when he texted her midway through our shopping day to tell her to hurry back to the hotel because he was horny and his sister said she would watch the kids. That led into me hearing all about how she hates sex and just drops her pants from time to time to let him fuck her. There hasn't been any romance for years and the sex itself lasts maybe a minute or two. And that was just the beginning of a long talk about how lucky I was to be single, not have kids and not be tied down to anything.....she said she envied my life....weird.
I love the idea of falling head over heals in love someday but I worry so much about the falling out of love that it stops me from ever really letting love find me. I don't want to be like my cousin and hate sex someday. I want to feel that same excitement that you do the first time over and over and over again throughout the years with my forever. I want to wake up in twenty years and love him more than the day I married him. I want to bear his children and have the perfect yet modest home with the dog, working husband and SUV.
I want to love without being scared.

Love.

Of all the things in life a person can control, I really wish love was one of them. But the truth is you can't control it at all. But part of the mystery and romanticism of falling in love is you usually fall when you least expect it. Maybe if I stop anxiously waiting for that day it will come a little faster. ;) I am 30 years old and I was born with design in my blood I guess you could say. I am extremely passionate about design and photography. To the people that know me-I can do anything creative. I am gentle yet I always fight for the things worth fighting for. Romantic to a fault. Cuddling is my middle name. I want nothing more then someone next to me who can make me laugh, who i can look at and be so full of pride and love, someone who constantly brings out the wild side in me and makes me feel not only sexy but also beautiful..... Perhaps I've met you already...or maybe I have yet to do so. I can't wait to smile because your smiling or cry because your crying. I can't wait to hold your hand while we walk and be so anxious to come home just so I can hug you and kiss you hard, I can't wait to be able to call you at all hours just because I know you are always there for me, I can't wait to brag about you to my family and friends. When I think of being able to hold you all night or feeling your arms wrapped around me I want to close my eyes forever and just be there in that moment for all eternity. After it's been a few years you still look at me with that look that says you adore me more then I could ever know. I can't wait until you are standing at the door waiting to see me and bring me flowers just because. Or when you whisper into my ear, I Love You. When we can get mad but kiss and make up. Even though we are mad we never once doubt or question each others love. I can't wait to sit back and watch you as you joke with my sister and wrestle around with my nephew, talk to my dad about cars and tell my mom how much you adore me as she looks at you with nothing but adoration because of the way you love her daughter. I can't wait for you to be here, I waited a long time for this moment. I know you are out there somewhere. Love Missy