Valentine's Day

Thirty years old and without a Valentine this year. I believe I have only once in my lifetime had an actual Valentine Day date and that was just last year. Infact, last year I had 3 men battling for my time and attention all at once. There were flowers delivered from various men, sweet cards, etc. Not this year. Nope. It's just me.
Any other year would result in me being super excited that it was Valentine's Day but so depressed because I didn't have anyone to share it with. But oddly enough, I am not at all sad this year. I would still give anything to find my one true love but I am ok that I haven't yet.
The string of events that have happened lately have been reminders of why things work out the way they do. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. I have met some really great men on the path to finding my forever. Without being able to help it, I start playing this mental slideshow in my head of many special moments with three very important men in my past...my first time with my first real boyfriend...waking up in his apartment on a snowy day and deciding to just stay in bed all day together...cuddling on the couch...him only being able to say "wow" after sharing a passionate and to this date one of the most amazing kisses ever while in a bar parking lot on our second date...taking pictures together...sitting on the picnic table with his arms wrapped around me at the lake and his nose nuzzled in my neck...carving our initials in that picnic table before we left...going to my first small town play as well as poetry reading...spending the weekend at his house in the country for the first time...I loved each of them in a different way and for very different reasons.
I started to think about the "commitment" word the other day when talking to a coworker. We were talking about work at the time but it dawned on me at that moment how insanely scared I was of any commitment what-so-ever. Whenever some sort of commitment is required in anything in life, I back out. Work. Home. personal. Everything. I can't even commit to a time and place to meet friends to hang out because I worry that if I commit to meeting them when and where we will do something. The reason being, what if I commit a week before and I am all excited about it but then the day of, what if i have something else I want to go to or something better to do. I feel trapped that I can't do what I want to do because I committed to doing something else. Maybe I will grow out of that, I hope so but at 30 years old I am kind of set in my ways too.