Lonely.

I miss this.

Loneliness is a horrible thing. It makes you so weak and vulnerable not to mention desperate. Sundays are such lonely days for me, I am not sure why.
It's 9pm and I took a nap two hours ago yet I just wish it was 11pm so that I could go to bed. Not sure why because I really don't want it to be Monday yet. I just want to not be alone right now.

Circle Around.

I circle back around to the relationships and men from my past several times over in my head. Remembering what it was like to be in that relationship, how much I adored that man or sometimes but not often, remembering the bad moments as well. While I was in each relationship I could have sworn to you three times that the man I was dating at the time was my forever. Now, once removed, I can guarantee that I was dead wrong at least once. The other two though...I don't know. It could have worked, I think. The last man loved me beyond all reasoning and I never showed him the same amount of love that he deserved in return. I still think about him and I often and have thought about going to his door and telling him I love him and then we can move on with life together. The sad thing is that there is one thing holding me back and in my head it's big enough to stop the relationship before it starts. Our weight. Not just his but mine as well. We are both really overweight and it's a mental thing that I cannot get over....can we physically have sex, can we ever be parents, will he die and leave me alone at an early age, can we experience life together when we can barely walk around the mall together......

Floating.

I don't know where I am going in life but I am working really hard to get there.

I change my mind daily.

Somedays I wake up with one dream and go to sleep with a different one.

I love intensely, I hate without knowing why and I worry for no reason at all.

I fall in love with the idea of being in love.

If you love me, I don't want you. If you don't want me, I love you. I don't know why.

I am not happy with myself physically or mentally. I wish I could take a summer off and remove myself from my normal life just to figure out who I am.

I am not sure I am capable of truly loving someone at this point in my life although I will convince myself that I am.

There is this weird fascination with beards or face scruff. I just think it's dead sexy. Oh, that and blue button down dress shirts. H O T.

I kinda suck at photography but just get lucky from time to time...that and I know how to use Photoshop.

I have days where I just can't focus on anything at all. Nothing. This makes working very difficult and managing three others even more difficult than working myself.Those days are more and more common lately and I am not sure why.

As badly as I want to fall asleep next to someone each night, i am horribly self conscious of my body. Mostly my stomach and the dry spot on my back.

Sometimes i wonder if I am ok with not being with anyone right now because I am not happy with myself.

I don't want to settle for someone because that's all i can get due to my weight. I want to love him because he is the perfect person for me.

I spent 10 years working my way up the ladder in a career that I love but has burnt me out so bad I could just as well go work at a gas station at this point.

No matter how burnt out I am, I am glad I have done what I have and accomplished the milestones in my career that I have.

There are certain people that I can't seem to get out of my head or let go of.

Valentine's Day

Thirty years old and without a Valentine this year. I believe I have only once in my lifetime had an actual Valentine Day date and that was just last year. Infact, last year I had 3 men battling for my time and attention all at once. There were flowers delivered from various men, sweet cards, etc. Not this year. Nope. It's just me.
Any other year would result in me being super excited that it was Valentine's Day but so depressed because I didn't have anyone to share it with. But oddly enough, I am not at all sad this year. I would still give anything to find my one true love but I am ok that I haven't yet.
The string of events that have happened lately have been reminders of why things work out the way they do. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. I have met some really great men on the path to finding my forever. Without being able to help it, I start playing this mental slideshow in my head of many special moments with three very important men in my past...my first time with my first real boyfriend...waking up in his apartment on a snowy day and deciding to just stay in bed all day together...cuddling on the couch...him only being able to say "wow" after sharing a passionate and to this date one of the most amazing kisses ever while in a bar parking lot on our second date...taking pictures together...sitting on the picnic table with his arms wrapped around me at the lake and his nose nuzzled in my neck...carving our initials in that picnic table before we left...going to my first small town play as well as poetry reading...spending the weekend at his house in the country for the first time...I loved each of them in a different way and for very different reasons.
I started to think about the "commitment" word the other day when talking to a coworker. We were talking about work at the time but it dawned on me at that moment how insanely scared I was of any commitment what-so-ever. Whenever some sort of commitment is required in anything in life, I back out. Work. Home. personal. Everything. I can't even commit to a time and place to meet friends to hang out because I worry that if I commit to meeting them when and where we will do something. The reason being, what if I commit a week before and I am all excited about it but then the day of, what if i have something else I want to go to or something better to do. I feel trapped that I can't do what I want to do because I committed to doing something else. Maybe I will grow out of that, I hope so but at 30 years old I am kind of set in my ways too.

Sometimes people don't make it easy to love them but that doesn't change the fact that you do.

Flirty.

Yesterday was both an odd day and a really great day. There's nothing overly special about it but the series of events that happened throughout the day made me stop to wonder if I was putting off a different vibe or if the world around me was.

That morning I woke up, threw some clothes on and ran to the bank to deposit some checks. I didn't really have any plans to do anything other then go home after depositing my money at the bank so I figured it wouldn't hurt if I looked like crap. As I was walking out of the bank a big SUV pulled in right behind my car so that I couldn't get out. Odd I thought but meh...he would move. He rolled his window down and asked if I lived in the area. I told him I did. It was clear to me now why he parked behind me. "Do you have plans this weekend?" he asked. I quickly responded with a yes. "Well, can I get to know you better?" the man asked again. I was almost too fast to say "no. I am seeing someone". Of course that was a lie but I wasn't interested and I am not good at flirting at all. Besides....I JUST GOT OUT OF BED! I am sure my hair was all over the place and my clothes were really my pjs. Although I wasn't interested in the guy it did kind of feel good to be hit on again.

Later in the day I went to a photographers party. A local photography studio was holding their 3rd annual photography party and I was invited. THere were about 40 or so photographers from around the area there. It was so awesome meeting some of the great photographers I have been facebook stalking for a while now. haha. For the first 20 minutes or so I was so nervous. I am not really even sure why, I just was. So as I gulped down another swig of wine I walked over to some guy who looked equally as nervous to be there. We had a great time talking and both agreed things were a bit weird. Definately some sexual vibes going on there though. I didn't even notice when he left...ugh...again my lack of flirting abilities showed. I didn't even get his last name or his number!

After spending 5 hours at the awesome party, I stopped by the grocery store on my way home. While standing in line to pay for my cheese, bridal magazine and pack of smokes I noticed the man standing in line behind me. He was a funky dude. Glasses much like my own, wearing black and just retro looking in a rugged handsome way. I tried not to stare too much. We ended up standing next to each other at the Redbox movie machines. Again, trying not to stare. He was having issues with the credit card reader, "turn the card the other way" I told him. After that a short but yet again, flirty conversation pursued. And again I let him walk away without a crumb of information to help me contact him again. ugh. I totally suck.

I got to thinking though. It's weird how life works out and when you step back to think about things it's odd how much sense everything makes. Maybe later I will explain what I am talking about....right now I am tired.

Never a failure. Always a lesson.