There's got to be something more.

It's either too much time to think or no time to think at all. Today is one of those days where there is too much time to think.

While it's true that I am lonely and really miss having someone around to wrap their arms around me and kiss me, I am not out looking for anyone to fill that current void. Probably because I can't quite believe that someone will or I am scared of letting someone try. I don't really know if I am supposed to let go of the past or if part of my past is supposed to be part of my future, if that makes any sense at all. I have been thinking about my ex's alot today. Partially, I think, because it's one of their birthday's today and I wish I could celebrate with him. It got me back to thinking about the first "J". To make things easier, I will call him JC. When you have only dated men whose names all start with the letter J, things start to get confusing.

I was 25 years old. We had been talking via the phone and internet for quite a few months but hadn't yet met in person. I was so nervous to meet him because what we had over the phone was great and I was really happy. The thought of us meeting and potentially ruining that scared me so I kept putting it off. Then, one weekend I was at my parents which was only 30 minutes from where he lived and while I was talking to him on the phone he tried talking me into driving to meet him. There was no way I was meeting up with him! I was at my parents because I had done a craft show that weekend and the only clothes I had home was my "sweet things" sweatshirt and black pants. He told me he didn't care what I was wearing and that I was still beautiful. Ahhh....how lucky was I?! My mom and best friend finally convinced me to drive there and go out on a date with him that night. I remember walking into the bar and seeing the back of his head and knowing it was him. I was instantly attracted to him. We sat and talked some at that bar and then we ended up kind of bar hoping around town. We even went to a bar where there was dancing and we danced together. It was awkward as it was our first date but yet, very sexy. After that dance he talked about how most of the pressure was on the man on a first date because he had to be able to read a woman and know whether or not he could kiss her. I found the whole conversation rather amusing and charming. We drove my mom's mini van back to his car and he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place, I refused because I was scared of taking things farther then I wanted to so soon. So instead we made out in my mom's mini van for two hours. haha. It was actually the first time I had ever really made out with anyone. After that we were officially dating. Our second date he came to my town and we went out with a bunch of my coworkers in a limo. It was a great night and we had planned for him to spend the weekend with me after that. At that time I lived with my sister in her house. It was a bit odd waking up the next morning with a man in my bed, I was so hyper I couldn't just lay in bed with him. But then when I went upstairs there were 4 people on the couch just waiting to hear all about my night and what happened with "J". I guess I was smiling too much to hide what a wonderful night it truly was. :) We started dating mid November and in December we decided to spend the holidays with each other's families. Again, a first for me. The first night at his parents, "JC" and I went to the local bar and met up with his sisters and their husbands. We had a blast drinking and playing pool. "JC" mooned me while playing pool to try and throw off my game. Not only did it throw me off but it made his sisters sick. lol. His sisters then decided that they wanted to take me for a ride around town. I didn't want to go because we were all drunk but they would not take no for an answer so I climbed into the backseat. It wasn't even five minutes before one of them pulled out their weed. I thought for sure we were going to get pulled over and arrested right there but we never did. What a great first impression right? I think they were testing me, they told me i wasn't to tell "JC" but of course I did. I then spent the next two days there at his parents. One of the nights there we got crazy drunk again and ended up making love in the back of his SUV in his parents yard which is probably still to this day one of my most memorable experiences. From his parents we went to my aunt's house for the holidays and then off to the other aunts. My family was good to him and it was so fun finally having a man around to meet the family.
On new years eve I was staying at his place again and we went out with my best friend for supper. I was beyond excited to ring in the New Years with someone! He let me down that night by telling me he couldn't stay up until midnight because he had to work at 5am but kissed me before he went to bed and told me there would be many more New Years to celebrate together. I stayed out and got drunk with my friend and we both walked back to his place at about 2am. He stayed up and took care of me when i got home because I was pretty sick. Things were pure bliss and I was so happy after that. As Valentines Day got closer we started to plan. He had a big work party at a local hotel so we were going to spend the weekend there. I had made big plans and bought him tons of stuff for our first valentines day together. We weren't actually going to spend February 14 together because it was on a Tuesday but we were going to spend the entire weekend together that followed it. On Valentines Day I had to work from 2:30pm to 11pm. I waited and waited for him to at least call me and wish me a happy valentines day. Finally around 9pm he called!! When I answered the phone I could tell something was wrong and instead of wishing me Happy Valentines Day he just said "oh, I was kind of hoping to get your answering machine". So after much arguing, I hung up and let him leave a message. He broke up with me over the phone that night. My amazing, romantic weekend was ruined and my heart was broken. I never really got a reason other then that we just won't work out. I spent the next four years of my life with him but not really "with" him. We met up, screwed around, rented hotel rooms for the weekend, etc. I skipped other opportunities with other men because i was still in love with him. During our four year long "relationship" we loved, hated, missed and despised each other. It was the most fucked up non-relationship a person could ever have. He was sleeping with me while he was engaged to another woman and I didn't know about it until months later. Then we kind of tried taking a break from each other. Two months had passed and he called me to tell me he had gotten engaged and eloped at the local court house and she walked out on him. I went to him that same night to comfort him which started our relationship up again. My family and friends hated him so after about two years I had to start lying about where I was and who I was with. We would spend each holiday together. Fourth of July weekend just two years ago we rented a hotel room for the weekend. It was the most amazing weekend and we acted like two people who were madly in love and destined to spend the rest of our lives together. We went out to eat and he couldn't take his hand off my leg, we went for a walk in the park and he held my hand the entire time, we played pool at the bar and he kept touching me or kissing the back of my neck and then when we went to a movie that night I sat with his arms wrapped around me the entire time. We made love in every inch of that hotel room all night long. I had never felt such comfort and love as I did that weekend. It felt so right and so normal but we both knew it was just for the weekend. On Sunday we kissed each other goodbye and went back to our own lives.

In March of 2008 I started talking to someone else that I had met on the internet. He would later be the man that got me over the first "J". After spending the night with "JC" on New Years 2009, I ended up laying in bed listening to him talking to me and I realized that I was finally over him, so much so that the sound of his voice now reminded me of nails on a chalkboard. I waited for him to fall asleep and then I texted the second "J" whom I will refer to as "JB". "JB" came to pick me up and I snuck out of my apartment to drive around with "JB" as "JC" laid sound asleep in my bed. Not being able to go back and face "JC" again, I spent the night with "JB" and just texted "JC" to say "I can't do this anymore. I am staying with a friend. Please let yourself out in the morning". That is the last I have seen or heard from "JC". It's been a year now and I realize how toxic and fake our relationship was...finally.

Now, on to "JB". We also met online and talked for a while before meeting in person. I had a hard time seeing him at first because I was still seeing "JC" and obviously no where near being over that whole relationship. My first date with "JB" was at the Green Mill. Walking around the corner and seeing "JB" made my heart kind of skip a beat. He was handsome with a touch of badass thrown in. Sexy to say the least. We talked and ate, had a few beers. Then he walked me out to my car and said goodbye. I was surprised when he didn't kiss me goodnight but it was still a great first date! I have to admit, I watched him walk away as he got up to go to the bathroom and ummm...I really liked his wallet chain. ;-) The most memorable date though was our third I believe. We met up at a bar for a few drinks. I wore sparkles on my chest and neck and they definitely grabbed his attention while we sat and talked. As we walked out to our cars we stopped in the parking lot and that's where we really kissed for the first time, he had kissed me once before that at my place but this time.....sparks flew! I must have floated home after that and it sounded like he did too because he texted me and all the text said was "wow". He texted me a few more times after that and I was so giddy I couldnt sleep all night. Apparently I wasn't the only one that thought that was an amazing kiss. We went on a few more dates after that and on those dates he would call me his girlfriend. It was weird though because we hadn't discussed whether or not we were exclusive and I felt like he didn't really even realize he was calling me that. We had been kind of seeing each other since April and it was in July that I had spent that wonderful weekend with "JC". I felt horrible about it but technically "JB" and I were no where near being exclusive. I think I later confessed to "JB" that I had spent the weekend with "JC". At some point in my relationship with "JB" I had decided to give him a card one night that told him I was ready if he was. Turns out he wasn't.
We still saw each other a few times after that, he was an art major as well so we shared a love for the creative world. He introduced me to local small town plays and poetry readings and I did photo shoots of him. He had a heart of gold and a way to make me laugh like no one else. We decided to still try to be friends after we "broke up" but it was too hard on me at first. I didn't want our relationship to turn into the same broken mess "JC" and I had for four years after breaking up. So after spending one night texting back and forth like crazy, "JB" came over to talk. Not wanting to show emotion or cry infront of him I tried my hardest to keep it together. We sat facing each other on opposite ends of the couch. He started to talk and I lost it and started to cry. I couldn't look at him now. I started the night wanting to tell him to fuck off and have a nice life but ended up telling him how much I love him and still wanted him to be part of my life. The truth is, I did. I just figured it would be easier if I could be angry with him and hate him instead. The reality is, I will never be able to hate him. Just like the man before him, we too continued to hook up after we broke up. It was different with him though. He was genuinely wonderful and always worried about hurting me. Eventually we just kind of ended up taking a break because things in my mind were starting to get ugly and I couldn't stand the thought of him and I not loving each other....if nothing else, as friends.

I took a little break and dated a few men, some whose names actually didn't start with the letter J. :) I had fun playing the field and went out with three men in three weeks. One of them sent me a huge bouquet of flowers asking me to go out with him. Another sent me flowers because I did go out with him. For a while all the ladies in the office were jealous and I was loving the attention. All the dates were great but one of the men I went out on a date with was more persistent then the rest and we eventually started dating. And guess what...his name started with a J! haha.

It must have been about March of 2009 that "JL" and I started to date. He treated me like a queen and as much as I enjoyed it. I also started to question if I was worthy or could treat him just as special in return. He wanted me to meet his parents so we went out to dinner one day. I got along great with both of them and his dad and I talked all about Disney World. His dad was retired but worked there for several years as a part time security man. I told him how much I wanted to go there someday and he told me that he would take me around and show me everything if I came down to visit them in Florida. "JL" would come over and we would sit on the couch, cuddle and watch movies....never really making it all the way through a movie. The first weekend I spent at his house was nice. He has a nice, newer house about an hour out of town. I was instantly comfortable despite my worries about it feeling odd as he had once shared that house with his ex wife. We went out to drive around the lakes one of the days I was there and being we were both into photography we brought our cameras with. Because neither of us could pass up an opportunity to take some photos, we took our cameras out and shot some photos around the lakes area. It was beautiful out that day and we stopped to sit on a picnic bench. I was taking photos of all the names that were carved into that picnic table when it occured to me that we needed to carve our initials into the table as well. After making our mark we sat, him behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist and his lips in the curve of my neck. Just sat....watching the lake and all the people walk by. Not really caring that we were one of those annoying couples showing PDA. A while later on my birthday he gave me two cards and a "Princess for a Day" gift certificate to a local spa. It was a massage, pedicure, manicure and facial!!!!! This man whom I had not really even dated that long had just given me a $200 spa package because according to him I was his princess and I deserved to be pampered. Not that he didn't do that on his own. He always had me lay down on the couch while he rubbed my back with oils. They were seriously the most amazing, almost orgasmic massages of my life!
"JL" and I had been dating for awhile when I got drunk at the bar one night in April of 2009. Not being able to figure out how to call a cab and also kind of wanting to see my ex "JB" I called him to give me a ride home. We kissed in the car and he came up to my apartment to make out. We got in the apartment and kissed when he stopped me and told me we couldn't do anything because I was dating "JL" and he was talking about becoming exclusive with the woman he was dating at the time. I was hurt and drunk. Not a good combination at all. We argued about our relationship and where he was going to sleep that night. I didn't want him to go and so I hid his keys. He said he would stay but was sleeping on the couch. I argued with him until we got into a heated argument. We both said and called each other a few things we didn't really mean. He grabbed my face and kissed me long and passionate for a few minutes and then asked me to drop it because he didn't want to bring those feelings up again. The next morning I woke him up by kissing him on the forehead. He drove me to my car which was still sitting at the bar and we said goodbye. We didn't see each other at all for about 8 months after that. I found out that around the same time him and I almost hooked up, he got his then girlfriend pregnant around the same time. He is now a proud dad to a beautiful little baby boy.
"JL" and I continued to date and he knew nothing about my almost hook up with "JB". He continued to lavish me with attention and love and the more he did so the more I pulled away. Eventually it got to him that I was always busy and never had time for him and we both agreed breaking up was the best thing to do.

And now, I am alone. Partially because I choose to and partially because I really have no other options. I still think about "JC" from time to time and miss him but then I return to reality and remember that he lives with his mom, has no job and remember the hell he put me through and the things he said to me. There was some really, really hard times with him. Then there is "JB". The first man to steal my heart and not purposely try to break it in the end. I am not sure I have gotten over him yet. There is just something about him, something in him, that I can't quite figure out but for whatever reason can't stop loving. And last but not least, "JL". The man who loved me so much I thought he would explode. Well, part of me feels like I loved him too but was scared to commit because he has heart failure and is overweight and those two things combined could mean a shortened life. I can't love someone who might not be there to love me.

My biggest fear in this life is losing someone I love. That fear has held me back from loving freely and boldly and without hesitation. So where will that put me a year or two or ten from now?