Stupid Life.

Not a day goes by that I don't stop to think about where I am at in life right now. Not an hour goes by where I don't stop to question whether or not I am where I should be. The only answer I have been able to come up with is that God is leading me through this life and as long as I continue to believe in his power, I should continue to believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Perhaps it's just my nature to never really believe anything, always the skeptic I guess you could say. Which is why right after I convince myself that God is leading me through life do I pause to question whether God is actually waiting for me to take the lead. There is one thing I am certain of and that is that nothing is certain in life, not love, not success, not hate, not failure. Nothing.

Growing up who would have thought this is where I would be professionally as well as personally at this point in my life. Then again, five years ago I would have never guessed to be where I am at right now. I wonder what goes through other peoples heads. I wonder if the married coworker with her perfect little girl is happy or does she worry about as many things as I do. Being a few years younger then me and married with a child, does she wish she had a few more years to herself? And what about the Art Director at an advertising firm in town, does she wish she didn't dedicate as many hours to the office as she has all these years? Is her job/career the reason she is in her middle 40's and still single? How about the friend who had the lapband surgery done, does she regret her decision or does she think her decision was the jump start of a new life? I am guessing no one ever really has their life figured out and when they say they do...I am just going to assume they are lying....remember, always the skeptic. So why do I put so much pressure on myself to "figure things out" when I am sure I am in the same boat as everyone else?

Did I fuck up somewhere? When my weight first started getting out of control, why didn't I start to do something about it right away rather then letting it get so out of control that it feels like a losing battle.

When I make good money, why am I always struggling to pay my bills or constantly worrying about my bank balance. Why can't I just set myself on a budget and stick to it.

When I fell in love with the first of a long line of "J" named men in my life, why did I let that relationship affect my confidence in relationships after that.

When I started dating another "J" and he broke up with me, why didn't I just get the hint and move on. Why haven't I still really moved on when he now has a baby and still no job to support his child.

Why when the last "J" came along and tried to sweep me off my feet did I always keep both feet on the ground, never really letting him in. Why didn't I love him when he clearly loved me with all he had.

Ten years into a career, why don't I love it anymore. When did I lose that passion and have I really lost it or am I just burnt out.

Why can't I ever just jump into something and figure the details out later. I always worry about the "what if's".

Why can't I just love the people that love me. Quit the career and follow my passion in photography and stop eating so damn much so that I can lose the weight.

Stupid life.