I can't always be playing your fool.

Ever since I started this blog I have used it as an excuse to keep putting off the things I really need to get done. So, what's another day right? :)

As much as I try to stop thinking about all the things I have done in the past and where I am going in the future...I can't convince my brain to stop. It's like a bad commercial that keeps playing over and over and over. Replaying each relationship or lost friendship as if somehow I will figure out why it didn't work or what I did wrong. Unfortunately instead of finding any answers, I just end up with more questions.

After a year of not communicating with my ex at all. He emails. It was January of 2009 when I walked out on him and I haven't seen him since. This was the shitty ex, the one who I continued to "see" for over 4 years. The one who didn't just break my heart but he absolutely crushed my soul through the things he did and said. He made me build up the walls I still have today when it comes to relationships or loving someone.

So here comes the fucked up part. I emailed him back.

Over the course of the last two days we have emailed non stop. Turns out he was the one that had also texted me over Christmas time to wish me a Merry Christmas. I had no clue who it was at the time because I didn't recognize the number and he never texted me back to tell me who it was.

For whatever reason we keep coming back to each other. The only reason i can come up with is because the one thing we can rely on is that we will always go back to each other to temporary fill whatever void we are feeling at the time.Whenever we are lonely, sad or need someone to hold us....we find each other. Ironically, I end up feeling a lot worse after we meet up. Yet, still. I keep going back to him.

So now the question is....do I go back one more time? Do I let him hold me, comfort me, kiss me? Do we pretend we are madly in love for one more weekend and then walk away Sunday afternoon feeling empty inside?

Probably.