Me too, Mom.

Yesterday while sitting in my apartment my mom and I chatted some about general life things, nothing too exciting. We were talking about babies as I had just come from a baby shower and my mom told me that she didn't want to hear anytime soon that any one of her girls were having a baby because we are all single. That's understandable, my older sister had a baby boy 7 years ago and now the father isn't a part of his life. It was hard on the entire family. But then my mom says almost completely unaware of what was coming out of her mouth "What I really want so badly is for one of you girls to find a good man." :( Yes, this is where my heart started aching. I want that too mom. I wish she wouldn't have said that though. It's tough enough knowing I may never find someone to fall in love with and who loves me to the moon and back. It's hard enough to know that I really want that and might not get it but to hear my mom say how badly she wants that....it's almost too much. It's not even just the words she spoke but rather the way she said them and how she seemed to almost loose herself in this perfect little world when she thought about it.
Mom, I hope I can give you a wonderful son-in-law someday. I promise I want that too.

down and out.

Some days are just hard. There is no warning or explanation but they happen and when they happen they knock me to my knees, or rather, they leave me in bed all day long. This morning started out ok. I woke to find my mom cleaning my apartment after she spent the night last night. I love when my mom cleans. Despite the fact that she was cleaning and I really had no reason to complain, I was crabby. Woke up that way for whatever reason. I do that sometimes.
Around noon time she asked me to go to dinner with her. I went to get dressed and became so irritated with all the clothes I had to choose from that before I knew it half my closet had made it's way to my floor. I was tempted to just bag it all up and throw it in the dumpster. None of it looked good on me or fit me anyway. Perhaps that issue is one of my biggest reasons for staying in bed all day.
With so many hopes and a very promising future I am not sure why I can't seem to pull myself up out of these slumps. I should be able to concentrate on my work and be so happy I can't get myself to sleep at night. DOn't get me wrong...my work does make me happy but apparently thats not everything.

Love.

Dream a little nightmare.

I had the weirdest dream last night. In my dream I had a little baby boy and he was only about 4 months old. For some reason I had to work 50 hours a week and was a single mom so I wasn't able to really be with him. My best friend of almost 30 years took care of my little boy for me and was so good to him. However, she also breastfed him, etc. After a while I didn't feel like his mommy anymore and she almost acted as if she was his mom. Her and her husband talked about how they were going to try for their second child in a year and that about sent me over the edge because they didn't have a first child. They were calling my kid their own. In the dream I was losing my son and I felt helpless and couldn't do anything about it because I HAD to work to survive. I sat bawling after watching her breastfeed my son and that's when I woke up from the dream.

First off, my best friend would never do something like that in real life and second, I would find a way to make sure I was with him as much as possible.

I suppose the dream was just sparked by me feeling like I am missing out on so much in life because of my career. Every day I sit in that office and wonder why I am devoting my life to a job. I want to be married, be a mommy and take photos to help bring in money for my family. But, I want a family! I am 30 years old and so far from it I could barf. My grandma tells me she prays for me to find the right one night after night. Perhaps I need to start praying for it myself rather then dreaming about it at night.

I keep waiting for my life to start but it's not going to start on it's own. I need to do something!

Save Me.

I realized today that there are two things that always seem to "save me". Two things in life that I can depend on to bring me out of the darkest moods and deepest slumps.

God.

Without God I am not sure I would have the strength to get through some of the dark moods. Those days where nothing makes sense or I am so depressed because I am not where I thought I would be at in this point of my life. Somehow He always finds a way to get his message to me, he is always here. Without my love and faith in him...well...I am not sure where I would be right now.

Art.

I have always been a creative person. I won a coloring contest back in 2nd grade and had my coloring shown at the Winter Shows. Using sticks and twine I would make hearts to hang on my parents garage. As I got older I tried sewing, woodworking, stained glass not to mention every little crafty idea I found on tv or in a magazine. I never went to streetfairs to buy stuff, I went to steal their ideas and make them my own.
When it was time to go to college I continued my love for art and went into Graphic Design. Now, I am also a photographer.

Here. There. Somewhere.

It's one of those days already where I can't stop thinking about where I am as compared to where I should be as compared to where I WANT to be. I don't understand why life has to be so confusing all the time. Maybe I am the one making it so confusing, could be, I guess.

I want to be happy. I don't want to sit and bitch back and forth with my coworkers over who is the most creative and who should be doing what. I don't want to come home and sit on my ass all night because I have no one else to spend my time with. I don't want to be overweight like this for the rest of my life. I want to be skinny and fall in love and have babies. I want to wake up in the morning and know my purpose in life is meaningful and important and not to just put out fires or calm people down at work.

I really just want to find my happiness whether it be here, there or somewhere else.

Life.

I have learned that if you follow your tears, you will find your heart. If you find your heart, you will find what is dear to God. And if you find what is dear to God, you will find the answer to how you should live your life.

I can't always be playing your fool.

Ever since I started this blog I have used it as an excuse to keep putting off the things I really need to get done. So, what's another day right? :)

As much as I try to stop thinking about all the things I have done in the past and where I am going in the future...I can't convince my brain to stop. It's like a bad commercial that keeps playing over and over and over. Replaying each relationship or lost friendship as if somehow I will figure out why it didn't work or what I did wrong. Unfortunately instead of finding any answers, I just end up with more questions.

After a year of not communicating with my ex at all. He emails. It was January of 2009 when I walked out on him and I haven't seen him since. This was the shitty ex, the one who I continued to "see" for over 4 years. The one who didn't just break my heart but he absolutely crushed my soul through the things he did and said. He made me build up the walls I still have today when it comes to relationships or loving someone.

So here comes the fucked up part. I emailed him back.

Over the course of the last two days we have emailed non stop. Turns out he was the one that had also texted me over Christmas time to wish me a Merry Christmas. I had no clue who it was at the time because I didn't recognize the number and he never texted me back to tell me who it was.

For whatever reason we keep coming back to each other. The only reason i can come up with is because the one thing we can rely on is that we will always go back to each other to temporary fill whatever void we are feeling at the time.Whenever we are lonely, sad or need someone to hold us....we find each other. Ironically, I end up feeling a lot worse after we meet up. Yet, still. I keep going back to him.

So now the question is....do I go back one more time? Do I let him hold me, comfort me, kiss me? Do we pretend we are madly in love for one more weekend and then walk away Sunday afternoon feeling empty inside?

Probably.

.Believe.

“Dreams are like the paints of a great artist. Your dreams are your paints, the world is your canvas. Believing, is the brush that converts your dreams into a masterpiece of reality.”

I adore.

"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."

"I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in. And I fear being a completely acceptable sheep in society."

There's got to be something more.

It's either too much time to think or no time to think at all. Today is one of those days where there is too much time to think.

While it's true that I am lonely and really miss having someone around to wrap their arms around me and kiss me, I am not out looking for anyone to fill that current void. Probably because I can't quite believe that someone will or I am scared of letting someone try. I don't really know if I am supposed to let go of the past or if part of my past is supposed to be part of my future, if that makes any sense at all. I have been thinking about my ex's alot today. Partially, I think, because it's one of their birthday's today and I wish I could celebrate with him. It got me back to thinking about the first "J". To make things easier, I will call him JC. When you have only dated men whose names all start with the letter J, things start to get confusing.

I was 25 years old. We had been talking via the phone and internet for quite a few months but hadn't yet met in person. I was so nervous to meet him because what we had over the phone was great and I was really happy. The thought of us meeting and potentially ruining that scared me so I kept putting it off. Then, one weekend I was at my parents which was only 30 minutes from where he lived and while I was talking to him on the phone he tried talking me into driving to meet him. There was no way I was meeting up with him! I was at my parents because I had done a craft show that weekend and the only clothes I had home was my "sweet things" sweatshirt and black pants. He told me he didn't care what I was wearing and that I was still beautiful. Ahhh....how lucky was I?! My mom and best friend finally convinced me to drive there and go out on a date with him that night. I remember walking into the bar and seeing the back of his head and knowing it was him. I was instantly attracted to him. We sat and talked some at that bar and then we ended up kind of bar hoping around town. We even went to a bar where there was dancing and we danced together. It was awkward as it was our first date but yet, very sexy. After that dance he talked about how most of the pressure was on the man on a first date because he had to be able to read a woman and know whether or not he could kiss her. I found the whole conversation rather amusing and charming. We drove my mom's mini van back to his car and he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place, I refused because I was scared of taking things farther then I wanted to so soon. So instead we made out in my mom's mini van for two hours. haha. It was actually the first time I had ever really made out with anyone. After that we were officially dating. Our second date he came to my town and we went out with a bunch of my coworkers in a limo. It was a great night and we had planned for him to spend the weekend with me after that. At that time I lived with my sister in her house. It was a bit odd waking up the next morning with a man in my bed, I was so hyper I couldn't just lay in bed with him. But then when I went upstairs there were 4 people on the couch just waiting to hear all about my night and what happened with "J". I guess I was smiling too much to hide what a wonderful night it truly was. :) We started dating mid November and in December we decided to spend the holidays with each other's families. Again, a first for me. The first night at his parents, "JC" and I went to the local bar and met up with his sisters and their husbands. We had a blast drinking and playing pool. "JC" mooned me while playing pool to try and throw off my game. Not only did it throw me off but it made his sisters sick. lol. His sisters then decided that they wanted to take me for a ride around town. I didn't want to go because we were all drunk but they would not take no for an answer so I climbed into the backseat. It wasn't even five minutes before one of them pulled out their weed. I thought for sure we were going to get pulled over and arrested right there but we never did. What a great first impression right? I think they were testing me, they told me i wasn't to tell "JC" but of course I did. I then spent the next two days there at his parents. One of the nights there we got crazy drunk again and ended up making love in the back of his SUV in his parents yard which is probably still to this day one of my most memorable experiences. From his parents we went to my aunt's house for the holidays and then off to the other aunts. My family was good to him and it was so fun finally having a man around to meet the family.
On new years eve I was staying at his place again and we went out with my best friend for supper. I was beyond excited to ring in the New Years with someone! He let me down that night by telling me he couldn't stay up until midnight because he had to work at 5am but kissed me before he went to bed and told me there would be many more New Years to celebrate together. I stayed out and got drunk with my friend and we both walked back to his place at about 2am. He stayed up and took care of me when i got home because I was pretty sick. Things were pure bliss and I was so happy after that. As Valentines Day got closer we started to plan. He had a big work party at a local hotel so we were going to spend the weekend there. I had made big plans and bought him tons of stuff for our first valentines day together. We weren't actually going to spend February 14 together because it was on a Tuesday but we were going to spend the entire weekend together that followed it. On Valentines Day I had to work from 2:30pm to 11pm. I waited and waited for him to at least call me and wish me a happy valentines day. Finally around 9pm he called!! When I answered the phone I could tell something was wrong and instead of wishing me Happy Valentines Day he just said "oh, I was kind of hoping to get your answering machine". So after much arguing, I hung up and let him leave a message. He broke up with me over the phone that night. My amazing, romantic weekend was ruined and my heart was broken. I never really got a reason other then that we just won't work out. I spent the next four years of my life with him but not really "with" him. We met up, screwed around, rented hotel rooms for the weekend, etc. I skipped other opportunities with other men because i was still in love with him. During our four year long "relationship" we loved, hated, missed and despised each other. It was the most fucked up non-relationship a person could ever have. He was sleeping with me while he was engaged to another woman and I didn't know about it until months later. Then we kind of tried taking a break from each other. Two months had passed and he called me to tell me he had gotten engaged and eloped at the local court house and she walked out on him. I went to him that same night to comfort him which started our relationship up again. My family and friends hated him so after about two years I had to start lying about where I was and who I was with. We would spend each holiday together. Fourth of July weekend just two years ago we rented a hotel room for the weekend. It was the most amazing weekend and we acted like two people who were madly in love and destined to spend the rest of our lives together. We went out to eat and he couldn't take his hand off my leg, we went for a walk in the park and he held my hand the entire time, we played pool at the bar and he kept touching me or kissing the back of my neck and then when we went to a movie that night I sat with his arms wrapped around me the entire time. We made love in every inch of that hotel room all night long. I had never felt such comfort and love as I did that weekend. It felt so right and so normal but we both knew it was just for the weekend. On Sunday we kissed each other goodbye and went back to our own lives.

In March of 2008 I started talking to someone else that I had met on the internet. He would later be the man that got me over the first "J". After spending the night with "JC" on New Years 2009, I ended up laying in bed listening to him talking to me and I realized that I was finally over him, so much so that the sound of his voice now reminded me of nails on a chalkboard. I waited for him to fall asleep and then I texted the second "J" whom I will refer to as "JB". "JB" came to pick me up and I snuck out of my apartment to drive around with "JB" as "JC" laid sound asleep in my bed. Not being able to go back and face "JC" again, I spent the night with "JB" and just texted "JC" to say "I can't do this anymore. I am staying with a friend. Please let yourself out in the morning". That is the last I have seen or heard from "JC". It's been a year now and I realize how toxic and fake our relationship was...finally.

Now, on to "JB". We also met online and talked for a while before meeting in person. I had a hard time seeing him at first because I was still seeing "JC" and obviously no where near being over that whole relationship. My first date with "JB" was at the Green Mill. Walking around the corner and seeing "JB" made my heart kind of skip a beat. He was handsome with a touch of badass thrown in. Sexy to say the least. We talked and ate, had a few beers. Then he walked me out to my car and said goodbye. I was surprised when he didn't kiss me goodnight but it was still a great first date! I have to admit, I watched him walk away as he got up to go to the bathroom and ummm...I really liked his wallet chain. ;-) The most memorable date though was our third I believe. We met up at a bar for a few drinks. I wore sparkles on my chest and neck and they definitely grabbed his attention while we sat and talked. As we walked out to our cars we stopped in the parking lot and that's where we really kissed for the first time, he had kissed me once before that at my place but this time.....sparks flew! I must have floated home after that and it sounded like he did too because he texted me and all the text said was "wow". He texted me a few more times after that and I was so giddy I couldnt sleep all night. Apparently I wasn't the only one that thought that was an amazing kiss. We went on a few more dates after that and on those dates he would call me his girlfriend. It was weird though because we hadn't discussed whether or not we were exclusive and I felt like he didn't really even realize he was calling me that. We had been kind of seeing each other since April and it was in July that I had spent that wonderful weekend with "JC". I felt horrible about it but technically "JB" and I were no where near being exclusive. I think I later confessed to "JB" that I had spent the weekend with "JC". At some point in my relationship with "JB" I had decided to give him a card one night that told him I was ready if he was. Turns out he wasn't.
We still saw each other a few times after that, he was an art major as well so we shared a love for the creative world. He introduced me to local small town plays and poetry readings and I did photo shoots of him. He had a heart of gold and a way to make me laugh like no one else. We decided to still try to be friends after we "broke up" but it was too hard on me at first. I didn't want our relationship to turn into the same broken mess "JC" and I had for four years after breaking up. So after spending one night texting back and forth like crazy, "JB" came over to talk. Not wanting to show emotion or cry infront of him I tried my hardest to keep it together. We sat facing each other on opposite ends of the couch. He started to talk and I lost it and started to cry. I couldn't look at him now. I started the night wanting to tell him to fuck off and have a nice life but ended up telling him how much I love him and still wanted him to be part of my life. The truth is, I did. I just figured it would be easier if I could be angry with him and hate him instead. The reality is, I will never be able to hate him. Just like the man before him, we too continued to hook up after we broke up. It was different with him though. He was genuinely wonderful and always worried about hurting me. Eventually we just kind of ended up taking a break because things in my mind were starting to get ugly and I couldn't stand the thought of him and I not loving each other....if nothing else, as friends.

I took a little break and dated a few men, some whose names actually didn't start with the letter J. :) I had fun playing the field and went out with three men in three weeks. One of them sent me a huge bouquet of flowers asking me to go out with him. Another sent me flowers because I did go out with him. For a while all the ladies in the office were jealous and I was loving the attention. All the dates were great but one of the men I went out on a date with was more persistent then the rest and we eventually started dating. And guess what...his name started with a J! haha.

It must have been about March of 2009 that "JL" and I started to date. He treated me like a queen and as much as I enjoyed it. I also started to question if I was worthy or could treat him just as special in return. He wanted me to meet his parents so we went out to dinner one day. I got along great with both of them and his dad and I talked all about Disney World. His dad was retired but worked there for several years as a part time security man. I told him how much I wanted to go there someday and he told me that he would take me around and show me everything if I came down to visit them in Florida. "JL" would come over and we would sit on the couch, cuddle and watch movies....never really making it all the way through a movie. The first weekend I spent at his house was nice. He has a nice, newer house about an hour out of town. I was instantly comfortable despite my worries about it feeling odd as he had once shared that house with his ex wife. We went out to drive around the lakes one of the days I was there and being we were both into photography we brought our cameras with. Because neither of us could pass up an opportunity to take some photos, we took our cameras out and shot some photos around the lakes area. It was beautiful out that day and we stopped to sit on a picnic bench. I was taking photos of all the names that were carved into that picnic table when it occured to me that we needed to carve our initials into the table as well. After making our mark we sat, him behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist and his lips in the curve of my neck. Just sat....watching the lake and all the people walk by. Not really caring that we were one of those annoying couples showing PDA. A while later on my birthday he gave me two cards and a "Princess for a Day" gift certificate to a local spa. It was a massage, pedicure, manicure and facial!!!!! This man whom I had not really even dated that long had just given me a $200 spa package because according to him I was his princess and I deserved to be pampered. Not that he didn't do that on his own. He always had me lay down on the couch while he rubbed my back with oils. They were seriously the most amazing, almost orgasmic massages of my life!
"JL" and I had been dating for awhile when I got drunk at the bar one night in April of 2009. Not being able to figure out how to call a cab and also kind of wanting to see my ex "JB" I called him to give me a ride home. We kissed in the car and he came up to my apartment to make out. We got in the apartment and kissed when he stopped me and told me we couldn't do anything because I was dating "JL" and he was talking about becoming exclusive with the woman he was dating at the time. I was hurt and drunk. Not a good combination at all. We argued about our relationship and where he was going to sleep that night. I didn't want him to go and so I hid his keys. He said he would stay but was sleeping on the couch. I argued with him until we got into a heated argument. We both said and called each other a few things we didn't really mean. He grabbed my face and kissed me long and passionate for a few minutes and then asked me to drop it because he didn't want to bring those feelings up again. The next morning I woke him up by kissing him on the forehead. He drove me to my car which was still sitting at the bar and we said goodbye. We didn't see each other at all for about 8 months after that. I found out that around the same time him and I almost hooked up, he got his then girlfriend pregnant around the same time. He is now a proud dad to a beautiful little baby boy.
"JL" and I continued to date and he knew nothing about my almost hook up with "JB". He continued to lavish me with attention and love and the more he did so the more I pulled away. Eventually it got to him that I was always busy and never had time for him and we both agreed breaking up was the best thing to do.

And now, I am alone. Partially because I choose to and partially because I really have no other options. I still think about "JC" from time to time and miss him but then I return to reality and remember that he lives with his mom, has no job and remember the hell he put me through and the things he said to me. There was some really, really hard times with him. Then there is "JB". The first man to steal my heart and not purposely try to break it in the end. I am not sure I have gotten over him yet. There is just something about him, something in him, that I can't quite figure out but for whatever reason can't stop loving. And last but not least, "JL". The man who loved me so much I thought he would explode. Well, part of me feels like I loved him too but was scared to commit because he has heart failure and is overweight and those two things combined could mean a shortened life. I can't love someone who might not be there to love me.

My biggest fear in this life is losing someone I love. That fear has held me back from loving freely and boldly and without hesitation. So where will that put me a year or two or ten from now?

Stupid Life.

Not a day goes by that I don't stop to think about where I am at in life right now. Not an hour goes by where I don't stop to question whether or not I am where I should be. The only answer I have been able to come up with is that God is leading me through this life and as long as I continue to believe in his power, I should continue to believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Perhaps it's just my nature to never really believe anything, always the skeptic I guess you could say. Which is why right after I convince myself that God is leading me through life do I pause to question whether God is actually waiting for me to take the lead. There is one thing I am certain of and that is that nothing is certain in life, not love, not success, not hate, not failure. Nothing.

Growing up who would have thought this is where I would be professionally as well as personally at this point in my life. Then again, five years ago I would have never guessed to be where I am at right now. I wonder what goes through other peoples heads. I wonder if the married coworker with her perfect little girl is happy or does she worry about as many things as I do. Being a few years younger then me and married with a child, does she wish she had a few more years to herself? And what about the Art Director at an advertising firm in town, does she wish she didn't dedicate as many hours to the office as she has all these years? Is her job/career the reason she is in her middle 40's and still single? How about the friend who had the lapband surgery done, does she regret her decision or does she think her decision was the jump start of a new life? I am guessing no one ever really has their life figured out and when they say they do...I am just going to assume they are lying....remember, always the skeptic. So why do I put so much pressure on myself to "figure things out" when I am sure I am in the same boat as everyone else?

Did I fuck up somewhere? When my weight first started getting out of control, why didn't I start to do something about it right away rather then letting it get so out of control that it feels like a losing battle.

When I make good money, why am I always struggling to pay my bills or constantly worrying about my bank balance. Why can't I just set myself on a budget and stick to it.

When I fell in love with the first of a long line of "J" named men in my life, why did I let that relationship affect my confidence in relationships after that.

When I started dating another "J" and he broke up with me, why didn't I just get the hint and move on. Why haven't I still really moved on when he now has a baby and still no job to support his child.

Why when the last "J" came along and tried to sweep me off my feet did I always keep both feet on the ground, never really letting him in. Why didn't I love him when he clearly loved me with all he had.

Ten years into a career, why don't I love it anymore. When did I lose that passion and have I really lost it or am I just burnt out.

Why can't I ever just jump into something and figure the details out later. I always worry about the "what if's".

Why can't I just love the people that love me. Quit the career and follow my passion in photography and stop eating so damn much so that I can lose the weight.

Stupid life.

My other half.

A friend told me she had watched a show that talked about writing a letter to your future husband or soulmate and in doing so you were releasing your wishes out into the universe and freeing yourself to find the perfect man someday. She said it was maybe more that you took the time to write down what you wanted in a man so that when you started dating someone you could look back upon this letter and see if the person you were dating was really the kind of person you drempt of spending the rest of your life with someday. Being 30 and single I figured it was worth a shot. :)

Happy as we were the first day we met, we too shall be 20 years later. We won't complete each other, we will compliment each other's complete self. He will have an old and gentle soul with a twist of badass thrown in to keep me excited. Laughter that's contagious and anger that passes quickly. He'll be a romantic at heart and a gentleman in front of people as well as when we are alone. He will love children and I will never doubt how much he loves me. Hardworking and motivated we will understand and encourage each other to pursue our dreams. He dreams big but always keeps one foot planted firmly on the ground. He balances me, love that I am a dreamer but also tells me when I am dreaming too much. A family man through and through, he enjoys spending time with my family as much as his own. He jokes with my sister and plays with my nephew. He's sweet enough to charm my mom but tough enough to relate to my dad. He makes my heart leap with a love that is much to powerful to explain and too comfortable and secure to doubt. He enjoys days spent just laying in bed talking as much as he does nights out with me.We can look at each other and just know what the other is thinking or feeling. He knows when I am hurting and has his shoulder handy to cry on or tries to make me laugh to ease my pain. Together we accomplish our goals of being healthy so that one day we can start a family. He loves being a daddy and he's really good at it, almost as good of a dad as he is a husband. :)