Don't know.

I am in one of those moods again. A mood where nothing is right, nothing makes me happy and all I want to do is curl up in bed and dream away the rest of the week. Unfortunately this is one of the busiest weeks I have. Make that months. Should I move, shouldn't I? I don't know.

Back in Time

It's been years since I had last been with him. The last time we saw each other I left him lying in my bed as I snuck out and told him to let himself out in the morning. I was in love then. In love with a man who didn't feel the same way. Regardless, I left one man who didn't love me to go to another who didn't love me either. And yes, I slept with him that night too.
Now fast forward to a three weeks ago and there I was sitting in a restaurant on a double date with him, my cousin and a coworker. It wasn't weird or uncomfortable and the only thing that bothered me were his stupid little lies about absolutely nothingness. That was nothing new but I still hadn't had to hear it for a few years and it was good to know that time didn't change how annoying it was. And it was very, very annoying.
Yet, spending time with him alone. Cuddling on the couch, making out, kissing him and eventually having sex with him....it was good, comfortable and horribly passionate. We know each other. We know what the other likes and does not like. He was my first real love and therefor kind of taught me how to kiss so when the two of us lock lips I get completely lost in the action of his tongue caressing mine.

I guess.

"got about every weekend til october booked, unfortunately"
With one text message I realized one really important thing. We won't ever be together again and we aren't even exactly friends. What we have is a business transaction and unfortunately I am getting the raw end of this deal.

Maybe I am being dramatic or overly sensitive but then again, how do you know you will be busy for the next two months? I have a full time job and I also take photos on the weekends and I know I could find time within the next few weeks!

Enough.

I have had enough of this place. This life. I am ready to move on to bigger and better things...well...at least different things. It's been a long time coming and something I have pondered for too long now. I am finally starting to take action and have been actively looking for a job in Colorado. Woot woot! Cross your fingers!

I keep trying to walk away but I am stumbling.

It's one of those days. I returned to the reality of the office bullshit after being out on a photo shoot for three days. I really can't wait to get out of there but I don't know where to go either. I am so anxious for something new and exciting that I can't hardly sit still or stand sitting in front of my computer. I might scream soon.

“‘I don’t want to lose you.’ His voice almost a whisper. Seeing his haggard expression, she took his hand and squeezed it, then reluctantly let it go. She could feel the tears again, and she fought them back. ‘But you don’t want to keep me, either, do you?’ To that, he had no response.”

.Truth.

“I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do know that someday I want to live in a house filled with my books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love, and I’ll return to a person I love. So, that’s the dream I’m working on.”

“There is no such thing as the perfect soul mate. If you meet someone and you think they’re perfect, you better run as fast as you can in the other direction, ‘cause your soul mate is the person that pushes your buttons, pisses you off on a regular basis, and makes you face your shit.”

I walk with my dreams shoved deep in my pocket, unsure of where to put them, what to do with them. I don’t want to take them out in fear the wind might blow them away. I don’t want to put them in a safe place in case I forget where the safe place is. So I keep them shoved deep in my pocket and occasionally put my hand in to make sure they’re still there. I smile. I still have them with me.

.Just Dance.

It's been storming all day. There is something so romantic about thunderstorms that it just made me think about running through the rain with the one you love. Ahhh...sweet love.

Love.

.I get by.

It's been a long and exhausting week and somehow I find myself sitting in the office for 7 hours on a Saturday. Maybe its because I am exhausted that I can't stop my mind from being flooded with memories while listening to my iTunes. Normally I do my best to push those memories out of my head each time they try to creep back in. Tonight I surrender.

There is the song that takes me back to a night with my first serious boyfriend. Just him and I laying in bed, looking out the window at the snow falling...him whispering in my ear and then a second later we erupt into an all out tickle war which was just his way of wrestling with me and getting me to have sex with him again. I was so naive. I thought I was so in love. Regardless, I was happy in that moment.

Then there is the song that a different ex used to sing karaoke to. The first time I heard him sing that song on stage in the bar....I wet myself. There is still nothing that can turn me on more than hearing him sing that song. It brings me back to that night with him and his friends in the bar. For some reason the two moments that stick out the most from that night are him singing and then him sitting on the stairs out back and me sneaking a kiss or two from him when his friends weren't around. We weren't dating at the time but thinking about that now....why did I feel like I had to hide the fact that we were "unofficially together"? I was nervous. I was happy. I was falling for him. Hard.

There is the song that a recent fling sang to me that made my heart race.

The one that I listened to as I sat on my porch and cried.

The one that "his" best friend sang the same night I heard him sing for the first time.

The way it's supposed to be.

I had so much I wanted to say today but the words just weren't coming out right. Then I just happened to run across this blog post on someone elses site. This is what I was trying to say...

I guess this is just the way it’s supposed to be. It seems that every so often people go through a questioning process. What am I meant to do? Am I on the right track? Have I made the right decision? I used to think that this process was reserved for high school and college students and recent graduates. I thought once you figured life out it was smooth sailing. If only things could be that simple.

Over the past couple months I have questioned my purpose. What am I doing? Am I making a difference? What do I want to do? As I’ve looked around, trying to grasp onto anything and call it a sign, I’ve noticed others doing the same thing. Should I go to grad school? Should I get a full time job? Should I continue freelancing?

I remember when a dear friend, who I fondly refer to as my second mother, got news that things would change for her and her husband professionally. I sat in the kitchen of this very spiritual and intuitive woman with my legs tucked under me as I sipped peppermint tea. I listened intently as she spoke of vocation, calling and purpose.

I realized at that moment things never get easier. Many of us are always searching. But in that realization came a very simple solution: let go. Go with it. Really, how much control do we have? Very little when you think about it. And why struggle? Sure, letting go can be a struggle for many of us, myself included. I’ve fought for so long for control. And now everything’s changing.

I feel like I’ve thrown my hands up in the air and said forget it, Universe. Take me where you want. Move me where you want. My head tells me to be terrified and yet there’s something calm about letting go.

There’s something scary about pushing yourself. But there’s something so boring and depressing about being complacent. There are many things in life I want and some of these random desires have latched on to my mind and they won’t let go. I have urges to paint and run. I want to learn how to do calligraphy. I want to be more disciplined in taking care of my body. I want to do yoga daily and go for refreshing walks. I want to make a difference.

I want to know I’m on the right track. But there’s no one there to tell you if you are. It’s a feeling. It’s faith. It’s just knowing when something feels right. It’s knowing when to let go and move on. It’s knowing when you’ve outgrown an educational experience, thanking those who took a chance on you and moving on to the next level. No one can make those decisions but you.

In my life I have encountered people who have tried to hold me back. Those people who told me I couldn’t do it and I shouldn’t try. I think part of them still live on in me, they’ve plagued me for years. But more recently, I’ve worked to surround myself with those people who will push me, who will challenge me and those who won’t let me give up.

It’s the difference between being a dreamer and doer. And in the end, when I look back, I don’t want to say I thought about things, I want to say I did them. Maybe that’s all it’s about. We all have undiscovered passions. I want to experience more and find out what I’m good at and even learn to enjoy the things I’m not so good at. Life is not about perfection, it’s about experience.

What do you want to do?

an imperfect life

The past has gotten ahold of me today and it won't let me go.
We all at some point in our lives fall in love. We fall hard and foolishly and don't really think about it ever failing us. We fall in love several times and at several different levels. The first time I fell in love it was impossible for me to see until years later that it wasn't really love at all but rather it was my first taste of lust and pure adrenaline rushing through me from being lusted after. It seems like forever ago now but even so i can think back on it and still somewhat feel the intense emotions I went through then. Passion. Lust. Joy. Heartbreak. Depression. Hurt. Anger. It took almost 5 years to get over that one. Five messed up, roller coaster of a ride years.

There were several other men that made a brief appearance after that and never really left any sort of mark. 

Until JMB. I remember falling for him before I even met him. He had this way with words and writing that had me floating on air. When we finally met he wasn't at all what I was expecting. I expected some neatly trimmed, farmboy type I guess. Instead I meet someone with black hair, a big chain hanging from his back pocket, a crooked tooth and black leather boots. I was surprised but intrigued. He was tough looking but the gentlest man I had have ever met. I experienced a whole different world with him...poetry, theater, karaoke, audio books.....love. Yep, the real kind. Things happened and we didn't stay together but we remain friends to this day. I can't say it's always easy but I can say that I don't know what I would do without him in my life at all.

Quote me on it.

If you love something, set it free if it comes back, it was meant to be. If it continues to fly, let it soar, have faith that God has something better in store.

Sometimes I wish I had never met you because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.

She loves him more then he would ever know, he love's her more than he would ever show.

I used to think that if I loved you enough you would realize it and love me back, but I can only love so much for so long.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever.

Why do I always get this way every May? Why do I always overthink where I am at in life and when I always decide I hate where I am at in life...why don't I change it?

A little thing called sadness.

There I go, feeling like an ass again. He tries so hard to talk through things when something is on my mind but I can't talk, not really. I can't speak unless I am being completely honest and yet being completely honest in this situation won't do anything but make both of us upset.
I have dated a few men before him and a few after and despite his short temper, stubbornness in getting a stable job and the fact that he is a new dad....I just can't fill up that hole in my heart that's there when he isn't. As he pointed out, we haven't been together or hung out for two years now. Two years?! I swear it was just last month. I feel like an ass for being jealous of his situation after hearing how bad his situation really is. I want nothing but to be a mom someday and in some sick way wish that I was the one he knocked up and not her. Partially just because of how badly I want to be a mom and partially because I know he would be a great dad and I can't stand how little involvement his babies mom let's him have. I want to say I would never be that way but then again one never knows unless they are in the situation. My older sister is a single mom so I somewhat understand why she is doing things the way she is. A mom has to protect her baby no matter how hard it is.
I just don't know how to love him the way he wants me to and it bothers me so very much. I don't know how to say the things he wants me to say to make him feel better. Infact, I seem to be saying everything I can to make him feel worse. That will never be my intent but it keeps being the outcome of each of our conversations.
Dear God-please speak to my heart. Tell me how I am supposed to handle this. Tell me how I am supposed to love him.

I hate this hating him. I hate being jealous for no reason at all. I hate that I am just a number among a million other women. I hate that I love him dearly and I hate that I feel lucky to have him in my life. I hate him.

Life is funny that way.

I doubt myself even as people are telling me how talented I am.

I can be fine one second and completely upset the next.

It still hurts sometimes and I thought I was over him. Over it. I'm not.

Sometimes I worry that I am too good at shutting off my feelings.

Other times I can't seem to shut off my feelings no matter how much I convince myself I don't care.

I loved him then and I love him now. It still makes no sense to me.

I need a break from my ordinary life, a chance to feel really alive.

I will never be the girl that takes chances and maybe that doom's me to a life of settling. That bothers me.

I worry about never being a mom but worry about my freedom ending once I am one.

Looking at photos of him with his son stirs up an old aching in my soul so strong I almost choose to ignore the fact that he is a dad. But I am so very happy he is experiencing fatherhood.

It hurts. A lot.

I have no clue where I want to be one year from now.

I worry about screwing up all the time but I know that half of the stuff I worry about isn't worth my time and energy.

I don't know how to say no.

Did I mention it hurts. A lot?

Today.

I woke up realizing fully how lonely my life can be at times. No one to wake up next to, no one to kiss goodbye as I leave for work.

I also realize how lucky and blessed I have been. I may not have found my soulmate yet but I have made a name for myself in my community.

A person has to start someplace.

Sometimes the loneliness slowly creeps in and other times, like today, it slaps me across the face.

When words escape me.

4am. Really?!

Last night I ended up spending all night out with a dear friend at the bar. I had wanted to only go and have 1 or 2 drinks but she suckered me into staying out until 4:30am. She has broken up with her boyfriend earlier this week and just didn't want to be alone. How could I say no?
The night included several creepers hitting on us, an old guy who thought I was so cool because I was a photographer, a really drunk guy trying to take his pants down and show us his dick only to later keep grabbing our boobs, a 4 block walk to some random guys apartment, a male strip tease at 4am and a taxi ride home again just before 5am.
I have to say I am pretty unimpressed with the entire experience but none the less, I am glad I was able to be there for my friend. She had fun.

GIve me something to believe in.

So, my date with Mr. M went really well yesterday. I went over to his place and he played some of his songs for me while singing to them. It was awesome. We then started to watch a movie and got 10 minutes into it before we decided it was horrible...then Matt made his move. Before long we were all over each other. It was nice but I was still so hesitant to do anything because I didn't want to start a relationship that was all about sex or getting some this time. So...we did some heavy making out but I stopped it before it went to far.

Then it happened...as soon as he knew he wasn't getting any farther he was basically done with me that night.

So tonight I hop online and he is on. He IM's me "hey sugar tits". Ok, I go with it. We talk some and he wants to know when we can have another "titty sucking fest" as he calls it. I tell him he should come over and watch a movie tomorrow night as long as we actually watch the movie this time. He said he would have to get back to me.

So whatever happened to the man who said he wanted to be friends first and get to know me because I was so "amazing"?

What just happened?

A few weeks ago I decided to join a new dating site. I guess it was just time to start looking again. A few days ago a man from this site emailed me. Over the course of just two emails we decided we were really hitting it off and wanted to chat via IM. Last night Mr. D and I talked from 10pm to 4am and today we decided to take the day off and spend a jammies day together watching movies. seriously...what just happened?

It's a little out of control how much we have in common and how a like we are right now. I hope that we also find each other physically attractive in person because right now it's a bit mind boggling how much I like the dude. Oh...did I mention he is trained in classical music and can sing and play the piano and guitar like no one's business? Yep, sexy.

Hopefully I will have a good day to report after our jammies day today. Awesome first date huh :)

bleh.

I saw some photos of myself from the bar this weekend and could hardly bear to look at them. Why is the person that I am never the same person I THINK i am? That person in the photos was really fat, had crooked teeth and bad hair...not to mention a big forehead.

It's weekends like this that shouldn't be spent alone at home thinking about things. Weekends like this make me feel like I shouldn't even try to find someone to spend my life with because I am not good enough.

Scared.

It's not the falling into love that I am afraid of, it's the falling out of it that stops me in my tracks.
And when I hear people like my cousin talk about her marriage, part of me thinks that I am the lucky one for not being married yet....just part of me.
She is only 2 days older than me and has been married for almost 7 years now. Hearing her talk about her husband, you would swear they were already divorced. I am sure they will be someday. We got onto the subject of him when he texted her midway through our shopping day to tell her to hurry back to the hotel because he was horny and his sister said she would watch the kids. That led into me hearing all about how she hates sex and just drops her pants from time to time to let him fuck her. There hasn't been any romance for years and the sex itself lasts maybe a minute or two. And that was just the beginning of a long talk about how lucky I was to be single, not have kids and not be tied down to anything.....she said she envied my life....weird.
I love the idea of falling head over heals in love someday but I worry so much about the falling out of love that it stops me from ever really letting love find me. I don't want to be like my cousin and hate sex someday. I want to feel that same excitement that you do the first time over and over and over again throughout the years with my forever. I want to wake up in twenty years and love him more than the day I married him. I want to bear his children and have the perfect yet modest home with the dog, working husband and SUV.
I want to love without being scared.

Love.

Of all the things in life a person can control, I really wish love was one of them. But the truth is you can't control it at all. But part of the mystery and romanticism of falling in love is you usually fall when you least expect it. Maybe if I stop anxiously waiting for that day it will come a little faster. ;) I am 30 years old and I was born with design in my blood I guess you could say. I am extremely passionate about design and photography. To the people that know me-I can do anything creative. I am gentle yet I always fight for the things worth fighting for. Romantic to a fault. Cuddling is my middle name. I want nothing more then someone next to me who can make me laugh, who i can look at and be so full of pride and love, someone who constantly brings out the wild side in me and makes me feel not only sexy but also beautiful..... Perhaps I've met you already...or maybe I have yet to do so. I can't wait to smile because your smiling or cry because your crying. I can't wait to hold your hand while we walk and be so anxious to come home just so I can hug you and kiss you hard, I can't wait to be able to call you at all hours just because I know you are always there for me, I can't wait to brag about you to my family and friends. When I think of being able to hold you all night or feeling your arms wrapped around me I want to close my eyes forever and just be there in that moment for all eternity. After it's been a few years you still look at me with that look that says you adore me more then I could ever know. I can't wait until you are standing at the door waiting to see me and bring me flowers just because. Or when you whisper into my ear, I Love You. When we can get mad but kiss and make up. Even though we are mad we never once doubt or question each others love. I can't wait to sit back and watch you as you joke with my sister and wrestle around with my nephew, talk to my dad about cars and tell my mom how much you adore me as she looks at you with nothing but adoration because of the way you love her daughter. I can't wait for you to be here, I waited a long time for this moment. I know you are out there somewhere. Love Missy

Lonely.

I miss this.

Loneliness is a horrible thing. It makes you so weak and vulnerable not to mention desperate. Sundays are such lonely days for me, I am not sure why.
It's 9pm and I took a nap two hours ago yet I just wish it was 11pm so that I could go to bed. Not sure why because I really don't want it to be Monday yet. I just want to not be alone right now.

Circle Around.

I circle back around to the relationships and men from my past several times over in my head. Remembering what it was like to be in that relationship, how much I adored that man or sometimes but not often, remembering the bad moments as well. While I was in each relationship I could have sworn to you three times that the man I was dating at the time was my forever. Now, once removed, I can guarantee that I was dead wrong at least once. The other two though...I don't know. It could have worked, I think. The last man loved me beyond all reasoning and I never showed him the same amount of love that he deserved in return. I still think about him and I often and have thought about going to his door and telling him I love him and then we can move on with life together. The sad thing is that there is one thing holding me back and in my head it's big enough to stop the relationship before it starts. Our weight. Not just his but mine as well. We are both really overweight and it's a mental thing that I cannot get over....can we physically have sex, can we ever be parents, will he die and leave me alone at an early age, can we experience life together when we can barely walk around the mall together......

Floating.

I don't know where I am going in life but I am working really hard to get there.

I change my mind daily.

Somedays I wake up with one dream and go to sleep with a different one.

I love intensely, I hate without knowing why and I worry for no reason at all.

I fall in love with the idea of being in love.

If you love me, I don't want you. If you don't want me, I love you. I don't know why.

I am not happy with myself physically or mentally. I wish I could take a summer off and remove myself from my normal life just to figure out who I am.

I am not sure I am capable of truly loving someone at this point in my life although I will convince myself that I am.

There is this weird fascination with beards or face scruff. I just think it's dead sexy. Oh, that and blue button down dress shirts. H O T.

I kinda suck at photography but just get lucky from time to time...that and I know how to use Photoshop.

I have days where I just can't focus on anything at all. Nothing. This makes working very difficult and managing three others even more difficult than working myself.Those days are more and more common lately and I am not sure why.

As badly as I want to fall asleep next to someone each night, i am horribly self conscious of my body. Mostly my stomach and the dry spot on my back.

Sometimes i wonder if I am ok with not being with anyone right now because I am not happy with myself.

I don't want to settle for someone because that's all i can get due to my weight. I want to love him because he is the perfect person for me.

I spent 10 years working my way up the ladder in a career that I love but has burnt me out so bad I could just as well go work at a gas station at this point.

No matter how burnt out I am, I am glad I have done what I have and accomplished the milestones in my career that I have.

There are certain people that I can't seem to get out of my head or let go of.

Valentine's Day

Thirty years old and without a Valentine this year. I believe I have only once in my lifetime had an actual Valentine Day date and that was just last year. Infact, last year I had 3 men battling for my time and attention all at once. There were flowers delivered from various men, sweet cards, etc. Not this year. Nope. It's just me.
Any other year would result in me being super excited that it was Valentine's Day but so depressed because I didn't have anyone to share it with. But oddly enough, I am not at all sad this year. I would still give anything to find my one true love but I am ok that I haven't yet.
The string of events that have happened lately have been reminders of why things work out the way they do. Everything that happens, happens for a reason. I have met some really great men on the path to finding my forever. Without being able to help it, I start playing this mental slideshow in my head of many special moments with three very important men in my past...my first time with my first real boyfriend...waking up in his apartment on a snowy day and deciding to just stay in bed all day together...cuddling on the couch...him only being able to say "wow" after sharing a passionate and to this date one of the most amazing kisses ever while in a bar parking lot on our second date...taking pictures together...sitting on the picnic table with his arms wrapped around me at the lake and his nose nuzzled in my neck...carving our initials in that picnic table before we left...going to my first small town play as well as poetry reading...spending the weekend at his house in the country for the first time...I loved each of them in a different way and for very different reasons.
I started to think about the "commitment" word the other day when talking to a coworker. We were talking about work at the time but it dawned on me at that moment how insanely scared I was of any commitment what-so-ever. Whenever some sort of commitment is required in anything in life, I back out. Work. Home. personal. Everything. I can't even commit to a time and place to meet friends to hang out because I worry that if I commit to meeting them when and where we will do something. The reason being, what if I commit a week before and I am all excited about it but then the day of, what if i have something else I want to go to or something better to do. I feel trapped that I can't do what I want to do because I committed to doing something else. Maybe I will grow out of that, I hope so but at 30 years old I am kind of set in my ways too.

Sometimes people don't make it easy to love them but that doesn't change the fact that you do.

Flirty.

Yesterday was both an odd day and a really great day. There's nothing overly special about it but the series of events that happened throughout the day made me stop to wonder if I was putting off a different vibe or if the world around me was.

That morning I woke up, threw some clothes on and ran to the bank to deposit some checks. I didn't really have any plans to do anything other then go home after depositing my money at the bank so I figured it wouldn't hurt if I looked like crap. As I was walking out of the bank a big SUV pulled in right behind my car so that I couldn't get out. Odd I thought but meh...he would move. He rolled his window down and asked if I lived in the area. I told him I did. It was clear to me now why he parked behind me. "Do you have plans this weekend?" he asked. I quickly responded with a yes. "Well, can I get to know you better?" the man asked again. I was almost too fast to say "no. I am seeing someone". Of course that was a lie but I wasn't interested and I am not good at flirting at all. Besides....I JUST GOT OUT OF BED! I am sure my hair was all over the place and my clothes were really my pjs. Although I wasn't interested in the guy it did kind of feel good to be hit on again.

Later in the day I went to a photographers party. A local photography studio was holding their 3rd annual photography party and I was invited. THere were about 40 or so photographers from around the area there. It was so awesome meeting some of the great photographers I have been facebook stalking for a while now. haha. For the first 20 minutes or so I was so nervous. I am not really even sure why, I just was. So as I gulped down another swig of wine I walked over to some guy who looked equally as nervous to be there. We had a great time talking and both agreed things were a bit weird. Definately some sexual vibes going on there though. I didn't even notice when he left...ugh...again my lack of flirting abilities showed. I didn't even get his last name or his number!

After spending 5 hours at the awesome party, I stopped by the grocery store on my way home. While standing in line to pay for my cheese, bridal magazine and pack of smokes I noticed the man standing in line behind me. He was a funky dude. Glasses much like my own, wearing black and just retro looking in a rugged handsome way. I tried not to stare too much. We ended up standing next to each other at the Redbox movie machines. Again, trying not to stare. He was having issues with the credit card reader, "turn the card the other way" I told him. After that a short but yet again, flirty conversation pursued. And again I let him walk away without a crumb of information to help me contact him again. ugh. I totally suck.

I got to thinking though. It's weird how life works out and when you step back to think about things it's odd how much sense everything makes. Maybe later I will explain what I am talking about....right now I am tired.

Never a failure. Always a lesson.

Me too, Mom.

Yesterday while sitting in my apartment my mom and I chatted some about general life things, nothing too exciting. We were talking about babies as I had just come from a baby shower and my mom told me that she didn't want to hear anytime soon that any one of her girls were having a baby because we are all single. That's understandable, my older sister had a baby boy 7 years ago and now the father isn't a part of his life. It was hard on the entire family. But then my mom says almost completely unaware of what was coming out of her mouth "What I really want so badly is for one of you girls to find a good man." :( Yes, this is where my heart started aching. I want that too mom. I wish she wouldn't have said that though. It's tough enough knowing I may never find someone to fall in love with and who loves me to the moon and back. It's hard enough to know that I really want that and might not get it but to hear my mom say how badly she wants that....it's almost too much. It's not even just the words she spoke but rather the way she said them and how she seemed to almost loose herself in this perfect little world when she thought about it.
Mom, I hope I can give you a wonderful son-in-law someday. I promise I want that too.

down and out.

Some days are just hard. There is no warning or explanation but they happen and when they happen they knock me to my knees, or rather, they leave me in bed all day long. This morning started out ok. I woke to find my mom cleaning my apartment after she spent the night last night. I love when my mom cleans. Despite the fact that she was cleaning and I really had no reason to complain, I was crabby. Woke up that way for whatever reason. I do that sometimes.
Around noon time she asked me to go to dinner with her. I went to get dressed and became so irritated with all the clothes I had to choose from that before I knew it half my closet had made it's way to my floor. I was tempted to just bag it all up and throw it in the dumpster. None of it looked good on me or fit me anyway. Perhaps that issue is one of my biggest reasons for staying in bed all day.
With so many hopes and a very promising future I am not sure why I can't seem to pull myself up out of these slumps. I should be able to concentrate on my work and be so happy I can't get myself to sleep at night. DOn't get me wrong...my work does make me happy but apparently thats not everything.

Love.

Dream a little nightmare.

I had the weirdest dream last night. In my dream I had a little baby boy and he was only about 4 months old. For some reason I had to work 50 hours a week and was a single mom so I wasn't able to really be with him. My best friend of almost 30 years took care of my little boy for me and was so good to him. However, she also breastfed him, etc. After a while I didn't feel like his mommy anymore and she almost acted as if she was his mom. Her and her husband talked about how they were going to try for their second child in a year and that about sent me over the edge because they didn't have a first child. They were calling my kid their own. In the dream I was losing my son and I felt helpless and couldn't do anything about it because I HAD to work to survive. I sat bawling after watching her breastfeed my son and that's when I woke up from the dream.

First off, my best friend would never do something like that in real life and second, I would find a way to make sure I was with him as much as possible.

I suppose the dream was just sparked by me feeling like I am missing out on so much in life because of my career. Every day I sit in that office and wonder why I am devoting my life to a job. I want to be married, be a mommy and take photos to help bring in money for my family. But, I want a family! I am 30 years old and so far from it I could barf. My grandma tells me she prays for me to find the right one night after night. Perhaps I need to start praying for it myself rather then dreaming about it at night.

I keep waiting for my life to start but it's not going to start on it's own. I need to do something!

Save Me.

I realized today that there are two things that always seem to "save me". Two things in life that I can depend on to bring me out of the darkest moods and deepest slumps.

God.

Without God I am not sure I would have the strength to get through some of the dark moods. Those days where nothing makes sense or I am so depressed because I am not where I thought I would be at in this point of my life. Somehow He always finds a way to get his message to me, he is always here. Without my love and faith in him...well...I am not sure where I would be right now.

Art.

I have always been a creative person. I won a coloring contest back in 2nd grade and had my coloring shown at the Winter Shows. Using sticks and twine I would make hearts to hang on my parents garage. As I got older I tried sewing, woodworking, stained glass not to mention every little crafty idea I found on tv or in a magazine. I never went to streetfairs to buy stuff, I went to steal their ideas and make them my own.
When it was time to go to college I continued my love for art and went into Graphic Design. Now, I am also a photographer.

Here. There. Somewhere.

It's one of those days already where I can't stop thinking about where I am as compared to where I should be as compared to where I WANT to be. I don't understand why life has to be so confusing all the time. Maybe I am the one making it so confusing, could be, I guess.

I want to be happy. I don't want to sit and bitch back and forth with my coworkers over who is the most creative and who should be doing what. I don't want to come home and sit on my ass all night because I have no one else to spend my time with. I don't want to be overweight like this for the rest of my life. I want to be skinny and fall in love and have babies. I want to wake up in the morning and know my purpose in life is meaningful and important and not to just put out fires or calm people down at work.

I really just want to find my happiness whether it be here, there or somewhere else.

Life.

I have learned that if you follow your tears, you will find your heart. If you find your heart, you will find what is dear to God. And if you find what is dear to God, you will find the answer to how you should live your life.

I can't always be playing your fool.

Ever since I started this blog I have used it as an excuse to keep putting off the things I really need to get done. So, what's another day right? :)

As much as I try to stop thinking about all the things I have done in the past and where I am going in the future...I can't convince my brain to stop. It's like a bad commercial that keeps playing over and over and over. Replaying each relationship or lost friendship as if somehow I will figure out why it didn't work or what I did wrong. Unfortunately instead of finding any answers, I just end up with more questions.

After a year of not communicating with my ex at all. He emails. It was January of 2009 when I walked out on him and I haven't seen him since. This was the shitty ex, the one who I continued to "see" for over 4 years. The one who didn't just break my heart but he absolutely crushed my soul through the things he did and said. He made me build up the walls I still have today when it comes to relationships or loving someone.

So here comes the fucked up part. I emailed him back.

Over the course of the last two days we have emailed non stop. Turns out he was the one that had also texted me over Christmas time to wish me a Merry Christmas. I had no clue who it was at the time because I didn't recognize the number and he never texted me back to tell me who it was.

For whatever reason we keep coming back to each other. The only reason i can come up with is because the one thing we can rely on is that we will always go back to each other to temporary fill whatever void we are feeling at the time.Whenever we are lonely, sad or need someone to hold us....we find each other. Ironically, I end up feeling a lot worse after we meet up. Yet, still. I keep going back to him.

So now the question is....do I go back one more time? Do I let him hold me, comfort me, kiss me? Do we pretend we are madly in love for one more weekend and then walk away Sunday afternoon feeling empty inside?

Probably.

.Believe.

“Dreams are like the paints of a great artist. Your dreams are your paints, the world is your canvas. Believing, is the brush that converts your dreams into a masterpiece of reality.”

I adore.

"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."

"I fear being like everyone I hate, I fear failure, I fear losing control. I love balancing between chaos and control with everything I do. I always have a fear of going one way or another, getting lost in something, or losing everything to get lost in. And I fear being a completely acceptable sheep in society."

There's got to be something more.

It's either too much time to think or no time to think at all. Today is one of those days where there is too much time to think.

While it's true that I am lonely and really miss having someone around to wrap their arms around me and kiss me, I am not out looking for anyone to fill that current void. Probably because I can't quite believe that someone will or I am scared of letting someone try. I don't really know if I am supposed to let go of the past or if part of my past is supposed to be part of my future, if that makes any sense at all. I have been thinking about my ex's alot today. Partially, I think, because it's one of their birthday's today and I wish I could celebrate with him. It got me back to thinking about the first "J". To make things easier, I will call him JC. When you have only dated men whose names all start with the letter J, things start to get confusing.

I was 25 years old. We had been talking via the phone and internet for quite a few months but hadn't yet met in person. I was so nervous to meet him because what we had over the phone was great and I was really happy. The thought of us meeting and potentially ruining that scared me so I kept putting it off. Then, one weekend I was at my parents which was only 30 minutes from where he lived and while I was talking to him on the phone he tried talking me into driving to meet him. There was no way I was meeting up with him! I was at my parents because I had done a craft show that weekend and the only clothes I had home was my "sweet things" sweatshirt and black pants. He told me he didn't care what I was wearing and that I was still beautiful. Ahhh....how lucky was I?! My mom and best friend finally convinced me to drive there and go out on a date with him that night. I remember walking into the bar and seeing the back of his head and knowing it was him. I was instantly attracted to him. We sat and talked some at that bar and then we ended up kind of bar hoping around town. We even went to a bar where there was dancing and we danced together. It was awkward as it was our first date but yet, very sexy. After that dance he talked about how most of the pressure was on the man on a first date because he had to be able to read a woman and know whether or not he could kiss her. I found the whole conversation rather amusing and charming. We drove my mom's mini van back to his car and he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place, I refused because I was scared of taking things farther then I wanted to so soon. So instead we made out in my mom's mini van for two hours. haha. It was actually the first time I had ever really made out with anyone. After that we were officially dating. Our second date he came to my town and we went out with a bunch of my coworkers in a limo. It was a great night and we had planned for him to spend the weekend with me after that. At that time I lived with my sister in her house. It was a bit odd waking up the next morning with a man in my bed, I was so hyper I couldn't just lay in bed with him. But then when I went upstairs there were 4 people on the couch just waiting to hear all about my night and what happened with "J". I guess I was smiling too much to hide what a wonderful night it truly was. :) We started dating mid November and in December we decided to spend the holidays with each other's families. Again, a first for me. The first night at his parents, "JC" and I went to the local bar and met up with his sisters and their husbands. We had a blast drinking and playing pool. "JC" mooned me while playing pool to try and throw off my game. Not only did it throw me off but it made his sisters sick. lol. His sisters then decided that they wanted to take me for a ride around town. I didn't want to go because we were all drunk but they would not take no for an answer so I climbed into the backseat. It wasn't even five minutes before one of them pulled out their weed. I thought for sure we were going to get pulled over and arrested right there but we never did. What a great first impression right? I think they were testing me, they told me i wasn't to tell "JC" but of course I did. I then spent the next two days there at his parents. One of the nights there we got crazy drunk again and ended up making love in the back of his SUV in his parents yard which is probably still to this day one of my most memorable experiences. From his parents we went to my aunt's house for the holidays and then off to the other aunts. My family was good to him and it was so fun finally having a man around to meet the family.
On new years eve I was staying at his place again and we went out with my best friend for supper. I was beyond excited to ring in the New Years with someone! He let me down that night by telling me he couldn't stay up until midnight because he had to work at 5am but kissed me before he went to bed and told me there would be many more New Years to celebrate together. I stayed out and got drunk with my friend and we both walked back to his place at about 2am. He stayed up and took care of me when i got home because I was pretty sick. Things were pure bliss and I was so happy after that. As Valentines Day got closer we started to plan. He had a big work party at a local hotel so we were going to spend the weekend there. I had made big plans and bought him tons of stuff for our first valentines day together. We weren't actually going to spend February 14 together because it was on a Tuesday but we were going to spend the entire weekend together that followed it. On Valentines Day I had to work from 2:30pm to 11pm. I waited and waited for him to at least call me and wish me a happy valentines day. Finally around 9pm he called!! When I answered the phone I could tell something was wrong and instead of wishing me Happy Valentines Day he just said "oh, I was kind of hoping to get your answering machine". So after much arguing, I hung up and let him leave a message. He broke up with me over the phone that night. My amazing, romantic weekend was ruined and my heart was broken. I never really got a reason other then that we just won't work out. I spent the next four years of my life with him but not really "with" him. We met up, screwed around, rented hotel rooms for the weekend, etc. I skipped other opportunities with other men because i was still in love with him. During our four year long "relationship" we loved, hated, missed and despised each other. It was the most fucked up non-relationship a person could ever have. He was sleeping with me while he was engaged to another woman and I didn't know about it until months later. Then we kind of tried taking a break from each other. Two months had passed and he called me to tell me he had gotten engaged and eloped at the local court house and she walked out on him. I went to him that same night to comfort him which started our relationship up again. My family and friends hated him so after about two years I had to start lying about where I was and who I was with. We would spend each holiday together. Fourth of July weekend just two years ago we rented a hotel room for the weekend. It was the most amazing weekend and we acted like two people who were madly in love and destined to spend the rest of our lives together. We went out to eat and he couldn't take his hand off my leg, we went for a walk in the park and he held my hand the entire time, we played pool at the bar and he kept touching me or kissing the back of my neck and then when we went to a movie that night I sat with his arms wrapped around me the entire time. We made love in every inch of that hotel room all night long. I had never felt such comfort and love as I did that weekend. It felt so right and so normal but we both knew it was just for the weekend. On Sunday we kissed each other goodbye and went back to our own lives.

In March of 2008 I started talking to someone else that I had met on the internet. He would later be the man that got me over the first "J". After spending the night with "JC" on New Years 2009, I ended up laying in bed listening to him talking to me and I realized that I was finally over him, so much so that the sound of his voice now reminded me of nails on a chalkboard. I waited for him to fall asleep and then I texted the second "J" whom I will refer to as "JB". "JB" came to pick me up and I snuck out of my apartment to drive around with "JB" as "JC" laid sound asleep in my bed. Not being able to go back and face "JC" again, I spent the night with "JB" and just texted "JC" to say "I can't do this anymore. I am staying with a friend. Please let yourself out in the morning". That is the last I have seen or heard from "JC". It's been a year now and I realize how toxic and fake our relationship was...finally.

Now, on to "JB". We also met online and talked for a while before meeting in person. I had a hard time seeing him at first because I was still seeing "JC" and obviously no where near being over that whole relationship. My first date with "JB" was at the Green Mill. Walking around the corner and seeing "JB" made my heart kind of skip a beat. He was handsome with a touch of badass thrown in. Sexy to say the least. We talked and ate, had a few beers. Then he walked me out to my car and said goodbye. I was surprised when he didn't kiss me goodnight but it was still a great first date! I have to admit, I watched him walk away as he got up to go to the bathroom and ummm...I really liked his wallet chain. ;-) The most memorable date though was our third I believe. We met up at a bar for a few drinks. I wore sparkles on my chest and neck and they definitely grabbed his attention while we sat and talked. As we walked out to our cars we stopped in the parking lot and that's where we really kissed for the first time, he had kissed me once before that at my place but this time.....sparks flew! I must have floated home after that and it sounded like he did too because he texted me and all the text said was "wow". He texted me a few more times after that and I was so giddy I couldnt sleep all night. Apparently I wasn't the only one that thought that was an amazing kiss. We went on a few more dates after that and on those dates he would call me his girlfriend. It was weird though because we hadn't discussed whether or not we were exclusive and I felt like he didn't really even realize he was calling me that. We had been kind of seeing each other since April and it was in July that I had spent that wonderful weekend with "JC". I felt horrible about it but technically "JB" and I were no where near being exclusive. I think I later confessed to "JB" that I had spent the weekend with "JC". At some point in my relationship with "JB" I had decided to give him a card one night that told him I was ready if he was. Turns out he wasn't.
We still saw each other a few times after that, he was an art major as well so we shared a love for the creative world. He introduced me to local small town plays and poetry readings and I did photo shoots of him. He had a heart of gold and a way to make me laugh like no one else. We decided to still try to be friends after we "broke up" but it was too hard on me at first. I didn't want our relationship to turn into the same broken mess "JC" and I had for four years after breaking up. So after spending one night texting back and forth like crazy, "JB" came over to talk. Not wanting to show emotion or cry infront of him I tried my hardest to keep it together. We sat facing each other on opposite ends of the couch. He started to talk and I lost it and started to cry. I couldn't look at him now. I started the night wanting to tell him to fuck off and have a nice life but ended up telling him how much I love him and still wanted him to be part of my life. The truth is, I did. I just figured it would be easier if I could be angry with him and hate him instead. The reality is, I will never be able to hate him. Just like the man before him, we too continued to hook up after we broke up. It was different with him though. He was genuinely wonderful and always worried about hurting me. Eventually we just kind of ended up taking a break because things in my mind were starting to get ugly and I couldn't stand the thought of him and I not loving each other....if nothing else, as friends.

I took a little break and dated a few men, some whose names actually didn't start with the letter J. :) I had fun playing the field and went out with three men in three weeks. One of them sent me a huge bouquet of flowers asking me to go out with him. Another sent me flowers because I did go out with him. For a while all the ladies in the office were jealous and I was loving the attention. All the dates were great but one of the men I went out on a date with was more persistent then the rest and we eventually started dating. And guess what...his name started with a J! haha.

It must have been about March of 2009 that "JL" and I started to date. He treated me like a queen and as much as I enjoyed it. I also started to question if I was worthy or could treat him just as special in return. He wanted me to meet his parents so we went out to dinner one day. I got along great with both of them and his dad and I talked all about Disney World. His dad was retired but worked there for several years as a part time security man. I told him how much I wanted to go there someday and he told me that he would take me around and show me everything if I came down to visit them in Florida. "JL" would come over and we would sit on the couch, cuddle and watch movies....never really making it all the way through a movie. The first weekend I spent at his house was nice. He has a nice, newer house about an hour out of town. I was instantly comfortable despite my worries about it feeling odd as he had once shared that house with his ex wife. We went out to drive around the lakes one of the days I was there and being we were both into photography we brought our cameras with. Because neither of us could pass up an opportunity to take some photos, we took our cameras out and shot some photos around the lakes area. It was beautiful out that day and we stopped to sit on a picnic bench. I was taking photos of all the names that were carved into that picnic table when it occured to me that we needed to carve our initials into the table as well. After making our mark we sat, him behind me with his arms wrapped around my waist and his lips in the curve of my neck. Just sat....watching the lake and all the people walk by. Not really caring that we were one of those annoying couples showing PDA. A while later on my birthday he gave me two cards and a "Princess for a Day" gift certificate to a local spa. It was a massage, pedicure, manicure and facial!!!!! This man whom I had not really even dated that long had just given me a $200 spa package because according to him I was his princess and I deserved to be pampered. Not that he didn't do that on his own. He always had me lay down on the couch while he rubbed my back with oils. They were seriously the most amazing, almost orgasmic massages of my life!
"JL" and I had been dating for awhile when I got drunk at the bar one night in April of 2009. Not being able to figure out how to call a cab and also kind of wanting to see my ex "JB" I called him to give me a ride home. We kissed in the car and he came up to my apartment to make out. We got in the apartment and kissed when he stopped me and told me we couldn't do anything because I was dating "JL" and he was talking about becoming exclusive with the woman he was dating at the time. I was hurt and drunk. Not a good combination at all. We argued about our relationship and where he was going to sleep that night. I didn't want him to go and so I hid his keys. He said he would stay but was sleeping on the couch. I argued with him until we got into a heated argument. We both said and called each other a few things we didn't really mean. He grabbed my face and kissed me long and passionate for a few minutes and then asked me to drop it because he didn't want to bring those feelings up again. The next morning I woke him up by kissing him on the forehead. He drove me to my car which was still sitting at the bar and we said goodbye. We didn't see each other at all for about 8 months after that. I found out that around the same time him and I almost hooked up, he got his then girlfriend pregnant around the same time. He is now a proud dad to a beautiful little baby boy.
"JL" and I continued to date and he knew nothing about my almost hook up with "JB". He continued to lavish me with attention and love and the more he did so the more I pulled away. Eventually it got to him that I was always busy and never had time for him and we both agreed breaking up was the best thing to do.

And now, I am alone. Partially because I choose to and partially because I really have no other options. I still think about "JC" from time to time and miss him but then I return to reality and remember that he lives with his mom, has no job and remember the hell he put me through and the things he said to me. There was some really, really hard times with him. Then there is "JB". The first man to steal my heart and not purposely try to break it in the end. I am not sure I have gotten over him yet. There is just something about him, something in him, that I can't quite figure out but for whatever reason can't stop loving. And last but not least, "JL". The man who loved me so much I thought he would explode. Well, part of me feels like I loved him too but was scared to commit because he has heart failure and is overweight and those two things combined could mean a shortened life. I can't love someone who might not be there to love me.

My biggest fear in this life is losing someone I love. That fear has held me back from loving freely and boldly and without hesitation. So where will that put me a year or two or ten from now?

Stupid Life.

Not a day goes by that I don't stop to think about where I am at in life right now. Not an hour goes by where I don't stop to question whether or not I am where I should be. The only answer I have been able to come up with is that God is leading me through this life and as long as I continue to believe in his power, I should continue to believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Perhaps it's just my nature to never really believe anything, always the skeptic I guess you could say. Which is why right after I convince myself that God is leading me through life do I pause to question whether God is actually waiting for me to take the lead. There is one thing I am certain of and that is that nothing is certain in life, not love, not success, not hate, not failure. Nothing.

Growing up who would have thought this is where I would be professionally as well as personally at this point in my life. Then again, five years ago I would have never guessed to be where I am at right now. I wonder what goes through other peoples heads. I wonder if the married coworker with her perfect little girl is happy or does she worry about as many things as I do. Being a few years younger then me and married with a child, does she wish she had a few more years to herself? And what about the Art Director at an advertising firm in town, does she wish she didn't dedicate as many hours to the office as she has all these years? Is her job/career the reason she is in her middle 40's and still single? How about the friend who had the lapband surgery done, does she regret her decision or does she think her decision was the jump start of a new life? I am guessing no one ever really has their life figured out and when they say they do...I am just going to assume they are lying....remember, always the skeptic. So why do I put so much pressure on myself to "figure things out" when I am sure I am in the same boat as everyone else?

Did I fuck up somewhere? When my weight first started getting out of control, why didn't I start to do something about it right away rather then letting it get so out of control that it feels like a losing battle.

When I make good money, why am I always struggling to pay my bills or constantly worrying about my bank balance. Why can't I just set myself on a budget and stick to it.

When I fell in love with the first of a long line of "J" named men in my life, why did I let that relationship affect my confidence in relationships after that.

When I started dating another "J" and he broke up with me, why didn't I just get the hint and move on. Why haven't I still really moved on when he now has a baby and still no job to support his child.

Why when the last "J" came along and tried to sweep me off my feet did I always keep both feet on the ground, never really letting him in. Why didn't I love him when he clearly loved me with all he had.

Ten years into a career, why don't I love it anymore. When did I lose that passion and have I really lost it or am I just burnt out.

Why can't I ever just jump into something and figure the details out later. I always worry about the "what if's".

Why can't I just love the people that love me. Quit the career and follow my passion in photography and stop eating so damn much so that I can lose the weight.

Stupid life.

My other half.

A friend told me she had watched a show that talked about writing a letter to your future husband or soulmate and in doing so you were releasing your wishes out into the universe and freeing yourself to find the perfect man someday. She said it was maybe more that you took the time to write down what you wanted in a man so that when you started dating someone you could look back upon this letter and see if the person you were dating was really the kind of person you drempt of spending the rest of your life with someday. Being 30 and single I figured it was worth a shot. :)

Happy as we were the first day we met, we too shall be 20 years later. We won't complete each other, we will compliment each other's complete self. He will have an old and gentle soul with a twist of badass thrown in to keep me excited. Laughter that's contagious and anger that passes quickly. He'll be a romantic at heart and a gentleman in front of people as well as when we are alone. He will love children and I will never doubt how much he loves me. Hardworking and motivated we will understand and encourage each other to pursue our dreams. He dreams big but always keeps one foot planted firmly on the ground. He balances me, love that I am a dreamer but also tells me when I am dreaming too much. A family man through and through, he enjoys spending time with my family as much as his own. He jokes with my sister and plays with my nephew. He's sweet enough to charm my mom but tough enough to relate to my dad. He makes my heart leap with a love that is much to powerful to explain and too comfortable and secure to doubt. He enjoys days spent just laying in bed talking as much as he does nights out with me.We can look at each other and just know what the other is thinking or feeling. He knows when I am hurting and has his shoulder handy to cry on or tries to make me laugh to ease my pain. Together we accomplish our goals of being healthy so that one day we can start a family. He loves being a daddy and he's really good at it, almost as good of a dad as he is a husband. :)